


Satisfy Me

by kittensmctavish



Series: Buzzfeed Soulmates AU [12]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Game Grumps
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Concerts, Crossover, Don't copy to another site, Drunken Shenanigans, First Meetings, Haircuts, Insults, Musical References, Social Media, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2019-09-30 14:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17225936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: In which we officially hit crossover territory.(Or: reader's life takes turns no one expected.)(This summary may or may not be revised at some point.)





	1. I'll Be Downtown, See You Around

**Author's Note:**

> wanted to get SOMETHING for this posted before the new year hit. so...hurray. welcome to the first multichapter part of the AU. should hopefully have another part up sooner rather than later but we'll see.
> 
> (have i jumped the shark yet? i feel like i've jumped the shark yet.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuff that happens in the periphery of other parts of this au.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (title comes from "96,000" from "in the heights".)

At some point after you cut your hair but before the Cuphead concerts, you reach a milestone in YouTube subscribers. Of sorts.

Your subscriber crawl has been slow, compared to, say, the BUN when it was launched. To be fair, you never really expected—or wanted or needed—a huge subscriber count. It was something you did for fun.

That said, you hit a certain number that, at least for a musical nerd like you, has some significance. And you feel like in order to celebrate as such, you need to step up your game a little bit. (Well…you WANT to.) Besides, it’s a challenge and it’s fun.

You post one HELL of a tease at about the midpoint stage of putting the new video together. On Instagram, you post a picture of a piece of paper, the phrase “32,000 ships in new york harbor…” written three times in your handwriting. (Naturally, everyone assumes this means your next video will be “Right Hand Man” from “Hamilton”. Or, at least, SOMETHING from “Hamilton”. It’s cute.)

It takes so much filming, so much recording, so much planning, so much editing…

…but eventually, to celebrate surpassing 96,000 subscribers, you post yourself performing “96,000” from “In the Heights”.

As in, you performing an ensemble number by yourself. Every part (yes, including chorus members, to make it SOUND like there’s an actual ensemble of people, and not just the named characters). In the best sort-of costumes you can come up with.

It’s sort of in a Smooth McGroove-esque style of composition and execution, in that, each character is a floating head. However, while Smooth McGroove keeps all his McGrooves in a Brady Bunch–style grid format, you edit the floating heads to come in and out as needed, depending on which characters are rapping or singing at the time, the number of yous onscreen becoming more and more as the number progresses and becomes more complex.

You apologize to Lin-Manuel Miranda in the description of the video and in the text at the end of the video, and you kind of hope he NEVER sees it (although knowing the internet, you’re pretty sure people are gonna send him a link).

The response is overwhelming. Like…more so than with other videos. Highlights include:

Kelsey: “um…i think @alilyforastamp just leveled up. that was GOD TIER.”

Jen: “she can edit, she can sing, she can act, she can RAP. woman, you surprise me every day. please mother my children.”

TJ: “I don’t know why dabbing seems painfully in-character for the characters that dabbed when they did, but thanks, I hate it.” (To which you respond: “usnavi, sonny, and graffiti pete. the latter two because they’re the kind of dorks who WOULD dab in real life. usnavi because lin-manuel miranda is the kind of dork who HAS dabbed MANY TIMES in real life.”)

Sara: “Wait, whose name did you bleep out before the line about him being your caddy? ‘looks up lyrics’ I AM CHOKING.”

Shane: “This is on par with the effort I put into the Hotdaga every week.” (Ryan’s follow-up: “A: this CLEARLY took more than ten minutes to make. B: there’s a team of animators to bring your abomination to fruition, while SHE did this all on her own. C: @alilyforastamp, this is amazing. I’m so proud to know you.”)

Adam: “A+ cameo from your sister as the alabanza lady.” (To which you respond, “the ‘alabanza lady’ is abuela claudia, you uncultured rye crisp.”)

Eugene: “interesting how relevant sonny’s rap still is 10 years later. makes vanessa’s ‘you are so cute!’ that follows immediately after REALLY infuriating, actually. LOVE the stink-eye in response, though.” (To which you respond, “right?”)

***

Probably the most surprising reaction (which…by now, it shouldn’t be a surprise, but it still is) is an Instagram post that goes up the next day. A picture of your video on someone’s laptop, with the following comment:

_So, don’t know if I’ve actually recommended her channel before but seriously…watch this video from @alilyforastamp. I already knew from her previous videos that she was crazy talented, but this is next level. :) [link to video]_

You screenshot that post and post it to your Instagram in response.

_o_O don’t know what i did to deserve @danny_avidan recommending my video but i’ll take it._

He also messages you privately later:

_Now we HAVE to collab. ;) (Still waiting for a response, woman.)_

***

Really…with the number of times you’ve referenced Game Grumps on your Instagram (and off it), it shouldn’t have surprised you as much as it did.

More than just including Dan in your “dream Broadway casting” post or saying Ninja Sex Party’s cover of “Africa” was your favorite. There were several other instances.

Like the snippet of a video of you regaling Ryan and Shane with the story about Sasquatch and the footprints in the sand that Dan had told once (and their HOWLS of laughter at the punchline).

Also your reaction to Ryan’s Indiana Jones costume for the Forest Fenn episode being to hum part of the Indiana Jones theme thusly: “Bum-ba-da-daaaaaa, should’ve stopped at three!” (You’re, like, 87% certain that came from an episode of the “Sonic Boom” playthrough, but it’s one of your favorite Dan lines.)

Or you and your sister recreating a certain NSP Instagram video featuring “Nights on Broadway” and hypnotically swaying hips. (The number of times you’ve watched the original video is unseemly; you claim it’s to get the dance down just right but your sister’s eerily-similar-to-Brian’s unflinching stare says otherwise.) Jen was utterly BESIDE herself when you posted that video…something about how your hips should NOT BE ALLOWED to move like that, JESUS, woman.

There were DEFINITELY more instances you could name or list, but it was most likely that last one that got Dan’s attention. Just…looking back on the timing of everything.

That particular video had gone up shortly before shit went down.

***

Honestly, you don’t really believe the first private message Dan sends you. Maybe it’s your mindset at the time, still raw from everything that had happened a few days prior, but when you finally open the message up, you have to re-read it a few times, then triple-check the sender.

It does indeed appear to be from Dan. It seems like something he would write or say out loud. When you press the little icon next to the sender, it links to his account.

Still, you’re still in such a mindset from the whole…soul mark removal discussion with Ryan…and your ankle still throbs and your hair is still so…you’re not used to it, it doesn’t feel like you yet, YOU don’t feel like you…that it’s honestly hard to believe. As nice as the message is, and how genuine the want to work with you seems…you can’t believe it.

So you don’t believe it. And you respond as such.

_this is a cute trick, but please stop pretending to be dan. and don’t do this to anyone else._

And you figure that might be the end of it. Either whoever’s tricking you will cease, or Dan will be so put off by your affrontery that he’ll never message you again.

Then again, there’s always that third option of Dan appearing to message you again.

_Hey. So, um…not sure why you’d think this was a trick. It’s me…ya boy. :P (No, but this really is Dan, I promise.)_

…how dare.

_okay, so first of all, how dare. second of all, still not entirely convinced someone didn’t just hack into your account to message me as a joke. (you could be shane, for all i know, given the meme you just referenced.)_

The next message comes…like…five minutes after.

_I mean, we ARE both tall, gangly monstrosities. But I promise, I’m the JEWISH tall, gangly monstrosity with the giant mass of hair and the weird-shaped thumbs. :)_

You snort at that.

_sounds exactly like something the tall, gangly monstrosity i work with would say to make me believe otherwise._

About a day passes. You finally feel confident enough to post a picture of your new hair, coupling it with a “Little Women” joke. Your notifications do, in general, blow up with compliments and “Gift of the Magi” jokes. You miss the notification about the new private message until that evening.

It’s a video link. You click on it.

It’s Dan Avidan. Sitting in a car, it appears.

“Hi,” he says with a little wave before saying your name. “This is Dan Avidan. Here’s my giant mass of hair.” He points at his head. “Here’s one of my weird-shaped thumbs.” He gives you a thumbs-up and a smile. End of video.

A message in text follows.

_Proof enough for you?_

And another.

_Look…if I’m actually bugging you and you have absolutely no interest in working with me, that’s cool. Just let me know and I’ll stop asking. …although I do want to keep talking to you and maybe become friends with you because I think you’re rad as hell and your videos are rad as hell._

And another.

_Also, your haircut looks amazing. …That’s not one of the reasons I want to keep talking to you, but it’s worth saying. :)_

…well, fuck.

You respond with a series of messages.

_okay. i believe it’s actually you. and you’re not bugging me. it’s just…you’re an actual professional musician who sings about dicks/80s songs for a living, and i do covers of songs from weird musicals when i’m not editing and filming two nerds talking about dead people. the two things don’t really mix._

_…that’s not me saying no, by the way. that said, we’ll need to come back to this in, like…two, three weeks? life’s a little…hectic right now. for reasons._

_but yes, okay, i believe you. we’ll talk._

_…and re: the haircut…thank you._

***

Turns out, your sister storming into the apartment, slamming a libretto down, and declaring that she needed a page turner GUESS WHAT THAT’S YOU YOU’RE HER PAGE TURNER ended up being…like…the most perfectly timed distraction ever.

No matter what the day had to throw at you re: your soul mark, you could rely upon heading to the concert hall with your sister, losing yourself in some REALLY fucking good jazz music for three hours or so every night, and just FORGETTING whatever new little tidbit of information Ryan dropped that secretly, quietly destroyed you inside the tiniest bit more.

The MOST fun was walking to your work space one day to see Ryan and Shane speaking in hushed tones about something seemingly important, their voices raising enough to catch the words “…mark removal” before Shane hissed at Ryan to keep it down, looking at you with wide eyes. And Ryan responding with “It’s okay, she knows”. All you could do was nod at an incredulous Shane before settling down at your desk as Ryan explained what the hell that meant.

(Not everything, though…he didn’t tell Shane everything you’d told him about your college girlfriend…that, at the very least, was kind of him.)

But yes, Shane, you know about the soul mark removal thing. No, you’re not going to tell anyone. No, Ryan, you don’t know how Tinder works, stop asking. (He gives up and deletes it a few days later anyway.) Sorry, you can’t go out with Kelsey and crew this weekend, you’re needed at the concert hall for tech, concerts start next week. Concerts of what? They’ll have to wait and find out.

***

The week before premiere, you FINALLY post pictures promoting the upcoming Cuphead concerts rather than just vague hints about something nerdy, or your sister amazing you every day with just how fucking GOOD she is playing the piano.

You expect it when your nearest and dearest friends/coworkers like these posts. They like you AND your sister so of course they’re gonna like…doesn’t mean they’ll come to the performances, and that’s fine. Not everyone likes jazz, especially three-ish hours of it.

You don’t think about it much when OTHER people from Buzzfeed that you don’t know as well like these posts. Probably just Buzzfeed solidarity of sorts. They’re DEFINITELY not gonna come to the performances unless they like jazz or video games.

You raise your eyebrows when DAN likes these posts. But you just chalk it up to the concert being a video game–related thing. You don’t expect him to actually attend any of the performances.

You know.

Until he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


	2. Are You Really Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reader's POV of after the cuphead concert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still bowled away sometimes that people read this AU. i was, am, and always will be, nervous about posting each new bit of it. especially since it's going in a direction i didn't intend to take it in (and even now, i'm like, oh hell...what do i do now...where do i go from here...). like...people still want to read it, despite of that. 
> 
> ...let's see how long that lasts, shall we?
> 
> to everyone who's read, commented, let me go on and on about it in private...thank you. your support means more than you know.
> 
> (title of chapter comes from the song "if you want me" from "once".)

You’re walking back into the lobby, towards your sister, Adam, Rie, Ryan, Shane, and Sara to rejoin the conversation, music bag in tow. You would have realized sooner or later that you’d left it by the piano in the rehearsal space, with all of your sister’s concert music on the piano onstage, but you stepped out at what seemed like a good time in the conversation.

As you walk back, it appears as though Ryan and Shane have gotten into one of their debates so…yeah, you definitely ducked out at the right time. Sara’s rolling her eyes at her soulmate and his soulmate. Rie’s leaning against Adam’s shoulder, covering her mouth as she tries not to laugh at how silly the argument is. Your sister looks just plain confused.

Just as you’re about to walk over to the group and break up the fight between the two actual grown children that are your soulmate and his soulmate, someone says your name. You look in the direction of the voice…

…and you just about drop the music bag at the sight of Dan Avidan, smiling and giving you a little wave. And then giggling at what you can ONLY assume is the gobsmacked expression on your face.

As he approaches, you shift the straps of the piano bag to loop around your shoulder so you can shake his hand as he offers it to you.

“Hi…um…hi.” It’s a brilliant first impression.

“Hi,” he says back with another little laugh.

“Sorry, I just…did NOT expect to see you here,” you say, letting go of his hand and reaching up to tuck a strand of your not-quite-bangs back. “I…don’t remember you liking ‘Cuphead’ much.”

“Oh, yeah, the animation in ‘Cuphead’ kinda creeped me out but the music was killer,” Dan says, pushing his own hair back out of his face. “So when you started posting stuff about it in concert form, I wanted to come check it out.”

“…check IT out or check ME out?” you ask. And almost immediately, you freeze. You’re not sure, but you think Dan does a little, too. “Not like that, I mean…we literally just met, I meant, like…you know, in the sense that, you wanna collab with me and this gave you an excuse to talk to me in person. THAT’s what I meant.”

“No, I know what you meant,” Dan says. “Wasn’t checking you out like that at all.” It’s his turn to freeze. “I just meant that, you know, it’s a CONCERT so the ORCHESTRA was the focus—you, the page turner, were not. So I wasn’t really focused on you. Not that you’re not pretty, you are, but…” He rubs the back of his neck. “I just made everything awkward, didn’t I?” You can’t help but laugh.

“I think I started it, so…you’re good. We’re both awkward.”

“Fair enough,” Dan laughs. “But anyway, like…I also wanted to see your sister play in person. Because she’s also rad as hell whenever she shows up on your channel, like…wow. She’s crazy good at what she does.”

“Yeah, she’s the best,” you agree. “I mean, I’m sort of biased, but…” You shrug.

“I mean, you have every right to be. She’s awesome.”

“Well, if you stick around for a little bit, I’ll introduce you.” You glance over at Ryan and Shane, who are still arguing. “I gotta say bye to some people before they head out, but…stay close by.” You pause mid-word, a thought suddenly striking you. “And actually, if you wanted to meet the conductor also…maybe…?”

“Yeah, totally!”

“Cool. He’s thinking of making the video game music concerts a reoccurring thing, and I’m sure he’d appreciate input as to where the concerts should go next.”

“But also, because he’s a Game Grumps and/or NSP fan?”

“…I actually don’t know if he is.”

“So we’ll stick with ‘because I’m a musician who plays video games for a living’ then.”

“Yes. And that makes you a good judge of what direction he should go in next.”

“That’d be awesome, I’d be happy to help.”

“Cool.” You nod at him. He nods. A slight pause. It’s…not as awkward as before, but…it’s still a LITTLE awkward.

“So, I’ll let you get back to your people,” Dan says, pointing at you, “and I’ll go hang out over there somewhere…” He points in the direction of a nearby couch, “…and try not to look like a complete creeper.”

“Sounds good,” you say, nodding again.

“But yeah, um…awesome meeting you,” Dan says, offering his hand again. You shake it.

“Awesome meeting you, too. We’ll talk in a bit.”

“Cool,” Dan says, giving you a thumbs-up as you turn to walk towards your sister and coworkers. “Later!” You wave to him as you retreat.

No one else seems to have noticed the conversation you’d just had with a seeming stranger. (You’re not sure how familiar your coworkers are with Game Grumps…if anyone, MAYBE Kelsey would be, but she’s not here, so…)

“Got your music,” you say to your sister as you approach. “What’d I miss?”

“Something about something called ‘Red Dead’ that these two won’t stop arguing about,” your sister says, pointing at Shane and Ryan.

“Oh god…” you sigh as you hand the music bag to your sister.

“Shane. Ryan.” Sara’s voice is firm but not loud. “You two can finish this when you get home after milkshakes.”

“Oh yeah!” Ryan says, snapping out of the argument to turn to the rest of the group. “The three of us were gonna go get milkshakes at that diner. Should we make it a group thing?”

“Sure,” Adam says, looking over at Rie. “If you’d like to.”

“I’ve never had these milkshakes,” Rie says. “They always look wonderful, though, so yes.”

“How about you two?” Shane asks you and your sister.

“Can’t,” your sister says, slinging her music bag over her shoulder. “Orchestra tradition that after the Friday night performance, we all hole up in this one little bar and get lit. Since this one here don’t drink—” She jerks her head in your direction. “—she’s my D.D.”

“…yeah. What she said,” you say, grimacing as your sister shakes your shoulder a bit too aggressively. “But you guys have fun.”

“But first,” Sara says, pulling you and your sister towards the group. “Gotta get some group pics before we head out.”

The groups in the pictures alternate, as do those taking the pictures. Your sister, Adam, you, and Rie. You, Sara, and your sister. Shane, your sister, Ryan, and you.

(Ryan smells nice. His arm around your waist feels nice. Everything about being close to him feel nice and right and good.) (You try to ignore those feelings as best you can.)

More hugs and pleasantries are exchanged, the usual “have a good night’s” and “drive safe’s” and “See you on Monday’s” and such.

“Well, that was unexpected,” your sister says as the group of five makes for the exit. “You work with some good people.”

“Yeah…” you say. You watch Ryan hold the door open for everyone. Before he turns to follow them, he gives the two of you one last wave and a smile. You smile and wave back, face falling only when his back turns to you and you know he’s not going to look back again. Your sister’s arm goes around you in a half-hug.

“Come on,” you say, forcing any negative thoughts out of your head. “There’s someone here who wants to meet you. …well…you AND the conductor.”

***

About fifteen minutes later, you and your sister are watching the conductor and Dan discussing possible video game franchises for future concerts and how feasible they’d be to execute. (Turns out, the conductor is a CASUAL fan of Game Grumps. Not diehard, but aware of its existence.)

Franchises have ranged from “Mario” to “The Legend of Zelda” to numerous others; right now, the conversation lingers at “Final Fantasy”.

“At the very least, you need to help me convince THIS woman,” the conductor says, slinging an arm around your sister’s shoulder, “that we should do ‘Final Fantasy’ because she’d rock the HELL out of ‘Dancing Mad’.”

“Oh my GOD, yes,” Dan agrees. Your sister rolls her eyes, shrugging out of the conductor’s arm.

“Please, no,” she whines. “I’ve listened to ‘Dancing Mad’. The idea of playing it terrifies me; I haven’t played the organ in years.”

“I could write a dissertation about the symbolism in Kefka Palazzo’s final battle and ‘Dancing Mad’,” the conductor says. “And I have.”

“Really?” Dan says, somewhat impressed. “What’d you get?”

“I passed, so…” The conductor shrugs.

“Ooh, ‘Silent Hill’,” you suggest, getting back to the topic of possible future concerts. “You could do music from 'Silent Hill'. Like, the first half of the concert can be the sad, introspective piano songs; then, after intermission, you can do all the weird, terrifying industrial songs.”

“Oh my god…” Dan’s shaking with laughter.

“I’ll play the distorted dentist’s drill!” you add. “And whatever other non-instruments Akira Yamaoka incorporated into his hellscape songs!”

“Don’t know how well that’d go over with the audience, but I’ll keep it in mind,” the conductor says, also laughing.

From a distance, other orchestra members call for your sister or the conductor, the words “bar” and “lit” discernible in the echo.

“Well, Dan, thanks again,” the conductor says, shaking Dan’s hand. “For your advice and for coming to our little experiment.”

“No problem, man,” Dan says. “It was really cool, and I’ll definitely keep an eye out for future stuff.” The conductor nods, and with a final polite smile, departs from the group.

“I’ma go get the car,” your sister says, clapping a hand on your shoulder. “Let you say bye to your new friend. Good meeting you, Dan.” She nods in Dan’s direction and departs before he can say anything back.

“Um…bye…nice meeting you…” Dan says in that quiet, awkward voice he usually reserves or quiet awkward characters in Game Grumps playthroughs. “I didn’t even get a selfie with her; I was share it on Instagram and everything.”

“She has nothing against you,” you assure him. “She’s just…like that. She straight-up threatened Ryan and Shane with bodily harm when she met them for the first time.”

“Oh, so I got off easy then.” Dan’s tone whips into something much brighter.

“To be fair, it’s because they hunt ghosts, and I’m eventually going to be there when they hunt said ghosts.”

“Ah, right, the intrepid cameraperson.”

“That’s me.”

“Who’s also really good at singing. And SPEAKING of…”

“Nice segue.”

“Thank you!”

“Oh my god…”

“So, anyway…” Dan pauses. “I know I’ve bugged you enough about it in text format, and I know we both are in WILDLY different genres of music, but…it’d be really cool to collab with you on something. Like, find something that fits both of our styles.”

You nod before taking in a breath. Dan seems to steel himself, and you get the impression you’re about to reject his offer.

“It’s not that I don’t want to collab…” you begin. “Honestly, that’d be…really cool. And…it’s not like I’m not already thinking of, like, three possible different songs.”

“But…?”

“But…I don’t know if it’s entirely up to me at this point.” You push your hair back. “Buzzfeed higher-ups are…touchy about what we can and can’t do with out channels outside of the company. If you were a fellow employee or just, like a friend with not much of a following, I don’t think it’d be a problem, but since you have…like…WAY bigger of a fanbase than I do…”

“Understandable,” Dan says with a nod. “Like, if it would get you in trouble, then yeah, we can just…forget about it.”

“I’ll talk to them,” you say. “Let you know. In the meantime…maybe a compromise workaround thing?”

“…go on…?”

He says “go on” in that overdramatic way he’ll say it to Arin mid–Grump session sometimes, and you laugh before continuing with your suggestion.

Which he LOVES. He’s ALL for it.

Your sister returns with the car. You practically DRAG her out of the car, scolding her for being rude to Dan and not taking a quick selfie with him (“You can’t spare the man ten seconds?”)

You take a selfie with him, too. A couple, really. One of you side-eying each other, and one where you’re both smiling.

Then he takes one of all three of you.

“Thank god for your longass arms,” your sister comments as he positions the selfie. “Otherwise, someone’s face would be cut off.”

Almost as soon as the picture is snapped, she makes a beeline for the car, calling to you about shenanigans awaiting the two of you.

“So we’ll be in touch?” Dan asks. You nod. “Cool. Lemme know what the higher-ups say.”

“Will do.”

“It was cool meeting you…like…you already seemed cool in your videos and on Instagram and…”

“You’re not wildly disappointed?”

“Exact opposite.”

It’s sweet. Very sweet.

“It was cool meeting you, too.”

You shake his hand again. It lingers this time, his hand in yours. Not in a romantic sense or anything, just…you know, you’re more comfortable in each other’s presence now. You’re not just online friends anymore. You’re…friend friends. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.

“Anyway, have fun tonight,” Dan says, letting his hand slip away. “Be safe.”

“You too,” you say, waving one more time as he walks away. He waves and smiles before he turns.

“Oh my god, finally,” your sister sighs as you settle down in the passenger seat. “Thought you two would NEVER stop.”

“Shut up, it’s not like that.”

“I didn’t say it was LIKE anything.”

“He wants to collab. Like…sing something with me.” Your sister raises her eyebrows as she shifts the car into “drive”. “He’s been messaging me about it.”

“So…he DIDN’T come to see me play. I’m insulted.”

“It was both. He thinks you’re phenomenally talented.”

“…but it’s not ME he wants to work with.” She flips the turn signal as she pulls out of the parking lot, looking over at you when she has a moment to take her eyes off the road. “You gonna?” You shrug.

“Need to run it by higher-ups. So it might not happen.”

“Hmm…but do you WANT to?”

“…I mean…yeah.” You shrug again. “You’ve heard some of the stuff he’s sung. It’d be really cool.”

“It would.”

“…anyway, like I said…but even if that doesn’t pan out, we’ve got something else in mind.”

“Oh really?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m your designated driver; I’m not supposed to be fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


	3. What's the Story, Morning Glory?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> INSTAGRAM CHAPTER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL FUCK ME I REALLY NEED TO STOP TAKING MONTH-LONG BREAKS BETWEEN CHAPTERS DON'T I.
> 
> this chapter is a hot mess of stupid little ideas that can't fathom themselves into full chapters. not beta'd, so usernames are possibly incorrect/formatting is wrong/spelling errors/etc. i cannot bring myself to care. i am. so very tired. of writing this chapter.
> 
> to everyone who's stuck by this AU, thank you. dunno how many of you are left/will be left, but you are very much appreciated, despite my schedule slips and general putting down of my own writing.
> 
> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY/LUPERCALIA TO EVERYONE.
> 
> (title of chapter comes from "the telephone hour" from "bye bye birdie".

[Picture set: each photo contains you and your sister in the lobby of the orchestra hall, but with other different people each time. In order: Sara; Ryan and Shane; Adam and Rie; TJ and his wife; Garrett, Niki, and Annie; Kelsey I., YB, and Evan; Devin, Jen, and Chantel; and all the Try Guys and Gals.]

_3,187 likes_

**alilyforastamp** absolutely overwhelmed by how many coworkers/colleagues/friends came to the “cuphead” concerts this weekend. on behalf of my sister, thank you. it means a lot to us, and to the orchestra. :) :) :)

_See all 877 comments_

**keithhabs** If they need a barbershop quartet again, hit me up. I want in.

**jenrigatoni** MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS! :D

**dangerousatanyspeed** This concert almost made me want to play “Cuphead” again. Almost. (That game is so hard.) I’m SO happy we were able to get tickets; it was SO MUCH FUN! :)

**eugeneleeyang** it was an honor to finally meet your sister. she is EXACTLY as much of an icon as i thought she would be.

***

[Video: People arguing QUITE passionately about something at the table in a dimly lit bar. Camera zooms in on your sister and someone else practically standing up to point fingers at each other as they make their points. From what can be made out, they’re arguing about classical music.]

_590 likes_

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej, look. it’s like “debatable” but nerdier. and more drunk. (i’m quietly dying of laughter as i film this.)

_See all 178 comments_

**saraerubin** What, exactly, is being debated? All I can make out is “weak-ass Worthy is the Lamb”. (Also, I, too, am quietly dying of laughter.)

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin which piece by handel is better/more iconic: hallelujah chorus or zadok the priest. zadok and worthy is the lamb have a lot of similar elements, hence the comment above. though actually, handel wrote messiah (where worthy comes from) AFTER zadok, so really, worthy is weak-ass zadok.

**adambianchi** zadok the priest.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi THANK YOU.

**shanemadej** I would try to bring “Debatable” back in a heartbeat if it meant watching your sister debate classical music.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej “beethoven. is the fourth movement from the ninth symphony REALLY the best thing he’s ever written? that’s debatable.” (no, really, that’s what they’ve moved on to.)

***

[Pictured: you and Dan side-eying each other.]

_874 likes_

**alilyforastamp** who’s this nerd? he seems like he’s way into video games, music, and video game music. (thanks for coming to the “cuphead” concert, @danny_avidan.) #notsogrump

_See all 490 comments_

**danny_avidan** I do like all three of those things, yes. :P (You’re welcome.)

**ryanbergara** is that the guy who does that cover of “Africa” you like so much?

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara you are correct, sir.

**dangerousatanyspeed** YOU MET NOT-SO-GRUMP? :D

**alilyforastamp** @dangerousatanyspeed yep. and he’s precisely as not-so-grump as one would expect.

***

[Pictured: Ryan and Shane from the side, watching something on an unseen TV screen. Ryan’s eyes are a little wide, and Shane has a hand up to his mouth in contemplation and possibly a little discomfort. It’s hard to tell from the illumination of the TV screen, but they might be a little paler than usual.]

_613 likes_

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara and @shanemadej had never seen “hard candy”. this had to be remedied.

(i mean, i warned them right off the bat that it was a ballsy movie.) :3

_See all 297 comments_

**jenrigatoni** HA! “ballsy”.

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni yeah, well, making a movie like that takes balls. :3 :3 :3

**ryanbergara** You are NOT a nice woman.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara i know. :3

**shanemadej** Honestly, scariest bit about it was Sandra Oh getting third billing on the box art even though she’s only in the movie for, like, five minutes.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej that IS frighteningly misleading.

**adambianchi** you’ll never hear “hard candy christmas” the same way again.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi this made me choke on my tea.

***

[Video: You, in your car, bobbing your head to the beginning of Fall Out Boy’s “The Phoenix”. Your expression matches the music: intense. When Patrick Stump sings the words “war paint” in the line “Put on your war paint”, you hold up a CD of the musical “War Paint”.]

_556 likes_

**alilyforastamp** who knew FOB was into this musical three years before it was even a thing? #warpaint

_See all 219 comments_

**shanemadej** Why are you like this?

**jenrigatoni** knowing absolutely nothing about what that is…this made me snort. XD

**eugeneleeyang** is “war paint” any good?

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang if you’re a die-hard fan of patti lupone and/or christine ebersole, then…enh? (it’s fine.)

***

[Pictured: You standing at a microphone. You appear to be singing, gesturing towards something unseen, as though telling a story or describing something to someone. The patterns of your skirt and shirt clash, but are both predominantly red.]

_682 likes_

**alilyforastamp** new video on the channel. there were quite a few requests for “amelie”. anything from “amelie”. so…tour de france. [link to video]

(also here’s the performance from the today show because you need to see actual living goddess pippa soo sing this. [link to video])

_See all 427 comments_

**aniejeong** rhyming “three melon slices” with “sweet lemon ices”… :D

**alilyforastamp** @aniejeong right?

**ryanbergara** Slightly biased, but I like your performance more. :)

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara i will not have slander against pippa in my house, good sir. (that said, thank you.)

**saraerubin** Is the whole musical like this because I’M IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG.

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin yes, and it closed on broadway far too early.

**jenrigatoni** @saraerubin @alilyforastamp i’m just in love. :P

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of an Instagram post. The picture is obscured by a “Play” symbol in the middle, but appears to be you sitting at your desk, chin resting in one hand as the other hand rests on/around your mouse, some of your fingers raised, as though drumming. Earbuds are nestled in your ears, the cord dangling over your keyboard. The comment from ryanbergara reads: “@alilyforastamp has a habit of running her fingers in time to whatever music she’s listening to while she’s working. It’s like she’s playing a piano no one can see.”]

_1,112 likes_

**alilyforastamp** don’t call me or my weird habits out like this @ryanbergara

_See all 583 comments_

**ryanbergara** I didn’t think it was weird. Just kind of adorable. Mostly though, I just wonder what you’re listening to.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara …you’re weird for finding that adorable, i want you to know that. (something classical, i’m certain. been on a respighi kick recently.)

**shanemadej** @alilyforastamp @ryanbergara DRAG HIM. (Also, Respighi sounds delicious.)

**danny_avidan** If it’s any consolation, I do the same thing. :P

***

[Pictured: Weezer’s “Red Album” sitting on top of a computer keyboard.]

_777 likes_

**alilyforastamp** you can tell a lot about a person by what verse of “the greatest man that ever lived (variations on a shaker hymn)” is their favorite. (anyone who says “the rap verse” is not to be trusted.) #weezer

_See all 444 comments_

**adambianchi** slipknot verse, obvs.

**theteegeman** what’s wrong with the rap verse? ‘listens’ i withdraw my question.

**ryanbergara** What’s your favorite verse? I think I’m partial to the Green Day one, if only because I’m not convinced Green Day didn’t just record that verse and that verse alone.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara it’s a tie between the choral verse and the bach/beethoven verse (obvs). (also, billie joe armstrong possessed rivers cuomo for that verse, that’s the answer.)

***

[Video: You leaning against a piano, bobbing your head in beat with the music playing—something fun and electronic and minor-keyed, with a hint of piano in the background. When the music hits a certain point, you turn the music off and pan the camera over to your sister, who picks up where the song left off on the piano.]

_1,002 likes_

**alilyforastamp** the end of “field of hopes and dreams”, as covered by my sister. (she figured it out by ear.) #deltarune

_See all 822 comments_

**dangerousatanyspeed** That reminds me that I REALLY need to play Undertale for myself. And then Deltarune. (Is all the music as good as that?)

**alilyforastamp** @dangerousatanyspeed toby fox composes nothing but bops. so yes. you’re gonna have a good time. :P

**eugeneleeyang** #ICON

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang you keep using that word. i do not think it means what you think it means. (she’s still pretty cool, though.)

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of an Instagram post. The picture is of Dan singing at a microphone in a booth. The comment from danny_avidan reads “The insanely talented @alilyforastamp challenged me to sing something from a musical and sent me a list of songs to choose from. Inspired by a recent cover she did from ‘Amelie’, I chose a song from that: ‘When the Booth Goes Bright’. (I wanted to choose ‘Goodbye Amelie’ but @egofaptor called dibs.) [link to video] (Here’s a link to her cover as well. Watch it and send her some love. [link to video])”]

_1,198 likes_

**alilyforastamp** so @danny_avidan met my challenge with great aplomb. [link to video]

(also, @egofaptor, i’m holding you to that promise of a “goodbye amelie” cover.)

_See all 964 comments_

**saraerubin** I REALLY need to get the soundtrack to this musical…both of these songs are so good. :) (also, that guy’s got a really nice voice. obi was ENTRANCED.)

**adambianchi** does this mean you have to sing a song about boners or something, given his repertoire?

**shanemadej** Is this the video you were crying about at work when you thought no one was looking?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej shut up. shut up nine times. (also, @ryanbergara, thank you for dope-slapping shane upside the head upon reading these comments over my shoulder.)

**ryanbergara** You’re very welcome. (@shanemadej, stop being a dick on the internet.)

**danny_avidan** Wait, did I really make you cry? I’m so sorry.

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan happy tears, idiot. :P that song always gets me; tears were bound to happen. (at the “every piece becomes another clue…” the high notes are just…a thing of beauty. both yours and adam chanler-berat’s.)

**egofaptor** Eh, I’ll get to it eventually.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a tweet from @Lin_Manuel, which reads “‘rewrites libretto to add ‘USNAVI dabs’ to the end of “96,000”’ BLESS THIS WOMAN [link to your “96,000” video]”. There is apparently a discussion thread. Also an inordinate amount of likes and retweets.]

_3,337 likes_

**alilyforastamp** well, that explains the influx in subscribers. #okay #whotippedhimoff #whatismylife

_See all 1,947 comments_

**danny_avidan** Mazel tov! :D

**shanemadej** Now all you need is the guy who writes the weird musicals you like that are weird to boost one of your vids.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej the day dave malloy notices the silly videos i make is the day i go catatonic.

***

[Video: you and your sister sitting at a table, a third-full glass of wine in front of your sister, index cards in front of you. Your sister is singing, to the tune of the prologue to “Beauty and the Beast”, “This is not Camille Saint-Saens…this is not Camille Saint-Saens…”. Meanwhile, the index card in your hand covers your mouth as you laugh quite hard.]

_936 likes_

**alilyforastamp** sooooooo my sister opened a bottle of wine and asked me to quiz her on film composers. i could not give her names of songs or movies they’ve worked on, and i was not allowed to hum. we filmed it for fun. here’s a preview. chime off in the comments if the whole thing should go up.

_See all 936 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** i mean…you KNOW what i’m gonna say to that. #icon

**shanemadej** I vote yes, if only because I need context for whatever the hell your sister’s on about.

**adambianchi** depends. how much composer-related tea is spilled?

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi enough to fill boston harbor.

**jenrigatoni** said it once, i’ll say it again: MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS! :D

***

[Pictured: a close-up of your face, half-covered by the collar of a sweater as you wink at the camera. Said sweater is light grey with a couple of buttons and a distinctive collar.]

_589 likes_

**alilyforastamp** getting chillier out there. time to break out the lin-manuel sweater. #winkwonk

_326 comments_

**jenrigatoni** this picture gave me a heart attack and i’m typing this from the afterlife, i want you to know that.

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni good to know they have instagram in the afterlife. :P

**keithhabs** Oh hey, Ned and I have sweaters kinda like that. They’re comfy.

**alilyforastamp** @keithhabs i know. i sent comments relating as much to y’all when the knitting video went up.

**aniejeong** what’s a lin-manuel sweater?

**alilyforastamp** @aniejeong lin-manuel miranda is known for having this one distinctive grey sweater that he wore basically all the time during “hamilton”. (he also has one in tan. and possibly also one in navy.)

***

[Pictured: you at a microphone. You’re…SO very 80s. Blazer with shoulder pads to the max. Hair teased and moussed and sprayed to emulate Tess McGill’s short hair as best as you can, given its (still quite short) length. You seem to be hitting…some sort of note, given how enthusiastically you’re singing.]

_2,003 likes_

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan challenged me to sing something in his wheelhouse—that is, something from the 1970s/1980s. because he said the “working girl” musical from “bob’s burgers” didn’t count, i had to settle for “let the river run” from “working girl”. (dan, be thankful i didn’t troll you and do the choral arrangement.) #comethenewjerusalem [link to video]

_1,294 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** more like work it girl, am i right?

**jenrigatoni** a woman with a voice as grand as her hair and shoulder pads. :P

**adambianchi** work hard or die trying, girl.

**ryanbergara** Chills. That was INSANELY good. :)

**danny_avidan** In my defense, I don’t know what the “Working Girl” musical from “Bob’s Burgers” is. But I doubt it’s better than this. This was pretty damn awesome. :)

***

[Video: You, still in your “Working Girl” get-up, dancing goofily to the beat of the “Work Hard or Die Trying Girl” song from the end of that episode of “Bob’s Burgers”. You lipsync to Carly Simon’s vocals as you groove.]

_999 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #youworkhard #youtryhard

_See all 528 comments_

**adambianchi** maybe there’s a tower somewhere up above, full of shoulder pads and love…

**shanemadej** I can only imagine this is what you would have been like had you actually lived in the 80s.

**ryanbergara** I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: you’re SUCH a dork. :)

**danny_avidan** …okay, I MIGHT need to watch that episode of “Bob’s Burgers”.

***

[Picture set: selfies of you from, evidently, a series of days, your hair in various states of impressive disarray.]

_842 likes_

**alilyforastamp** ever since i cut my hair short, the bedhead in the morning has been INSANE. XD

_See all 490 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** “bedhead”? really? is THAT what you’re calling it? :3

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang …um…yes…? what else am i supposed to call it?

**kelseydarragh** DAMN gurl that is some SEX HAIR

**alilyforastamp** @kelseydarragh mmm it really isn’t—ooooohhhhhh THAT’S what @eugeneleeyang was alluding to. (c’mon guys, don’t be like that. this is a fucking family instagram account.)

***

[Pictured: Two thumbs-up’s in front of a camera set up on a tripod. One thumb is more oddly shaped than the other.]

_962 likes_

**alilyforastamp** filming stuff…

_See all 601 comments_

**adambianchi** i know those thumbs…

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi shh…

**kelseydarragh** you know what they say about a man with thumbs like that…

**alilyforastamp** @kelseydarragh buying gloves must be a pain?

***

[Video: Dan dancing and lipsyncing for the camera. Specifically, he’s lipsyncing to “The Duel” from “Great Comet of 1812”, starting at Anatole’s “Never mind about that now…it doesn’t matter/I don’t give a damn!” up through “I’ll keep a feather in my hat!”]

_2,309 likes_

**alilyforastamp** dan-atole is hot—he spends his money on skittles and rush. @danny_avidan

_See all 1,000 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** um, that synth breakdown though…that is INSANE.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang RIGHT?

**jenrigatoni** “all i care for is gaiety and women and there’s no dishonor in that.” what i’ve been saying for years, my dudes.

***

[Video: you walking into a room. From off-camera, a small high voice yells “BOO!” at the top of their lungs. You look in the direction of the voice only for a small figure covered in a sheet to run and ram RIGHT into you, knocking you down to the floor. Whoever’s holding the camera laughs, walking over and asking “Oh my god, are you okay?” as they get the camera back on you and the “ghost”. The “ghost” giggles as it seems to be poking your stomach as you half-heartedly playfully exclaim “Oh nooooo the ghost got meeee!” as you hug the “ghost”, ruffling the top of its head.]

_5,423 likes_

**alilyforastamp** hey look @ryanbergara and @shanemadej i found a ghost. it attacked me. with hugs.

_See all 2,186 comments_

**theteegeman** …yeah, you’re gonna do juuuuuuust fine at haunts. :)

**aniejeong** PRECIOUS.

**saraerubin** oh my god, that’s the CUTEST GHOST EVER. :D

**ryanbergara** So proud. :P

**shanemadej** Good thing to know your noggin’s apparently made of steel (that sounded like you hit the ground HARD). Bodes well for actual haunts. With actual don’t-exist ghosts. And not children-in-bedsheets ghosts.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej j’excuse you, sir, but the tiny hugging ghost of the grumpspace is TOTES real. it just RESEMBLES ninja audrey under a bedsheet. @danny_avidan, back me up on this, you were filming. (also, i will ALWAYS take the pratfall for comedy’s sake, bruises be damned.)

**danny_avidan** @shanemadej This encounter was one hundred percent real. I’m still in shock that we made it out mostly unscathed. I thought that ghost was going to kill us from cute. It was a life-changing experience; @alilyforastamp and I now share a bond forged in fire.

(Also, @bwecht wanted me to tell you that you owe him royalties on something called “Plupple Honeymoon”…?)

**bwecht** @shanemadej Pay up. (Also @alilyforastamp, Audrey’s wondering when you’re coming back. She wants you to be the ghost next time.)

***

[Pictured: you, sitting in front of a computer, headphones on your head, chin resting on your folded hand. You look tired.]

_991 likes_

**alilyforastamp** i go to work, i edit. i come home, i edit. (new vids coming regardless.)

_See all 582 comments_

**adambianchi** you go to sleep, you edit.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi you’re not wrong. i’ve had so many editing dreams.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a YouTube comment, the name of the commenter scribbled out. The comment reads “wrong channel to ask this but what costume would you have worn to the ok corral if you’d been on the filming team then?”]

_1,482 likes_

**alilyforastamp** mattie ross from “true grit”. kim darby in hair, hailee steinfeld in costume.

_See all 833 comments_

**theteegeman** which coen brother does that make me? can i be the one married to frances mcdormand?

**alilyforastamp** @theteegeman you betcha. friendo.

**shanemadej** @theteegeman @alilyforastamp That comment just gave me whiplash.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej whiplash isn’t a coen brothers movie, come on, dude.

***

[Pictured: you in a medieval dress, Dan in knight-looking garb. You’re both singing quite dramatically while standing in front of a clearly green-screened matte painting–looking backdrop.]

_7,777 likes_

**alilyforastamp** first collab on my channel. how could @danny_avidan and i find a happy medium between musicals and comedy songs about boners? spamalot. this is “the song that goes like this”. [link to video]

_See all 5,114 comments_

**adambianchi** #sirnotappearinginthisvideo

**jenrigatoni** okay, but you talking about your décolletage in the bit after the song. WOMAN.

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni it wasn’t just me, @danny_avidan was talking about his décolletage too. :P

**saraerubin** okay, but you two sound AMAZING together. hammy as hell given the song, but your voices blend beautifully. :)

**kelseydarragh** you’re BOTH. SO. HOT. GOD DAMN.

**danny_avidan** We’ll have to do this again some time. Was great fun. And your voice is pretty. :)

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan good thing you slid into my DMs all those weeks ago because no way would i have thought to/had any sort of nerve to propose such a collab. :P

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a tumblr photo post. The photos are from the “The Song That Goes Like This” video; it’s probably a still of a quad gifset. In order: you and Dan looking at each other, text overlay reading “Dan: Oh right, this song was supposed to end up with a kiss, wasn’t it?” Second photo: you and Dan looking at each other, slightly awkward. Third photo: you holding your fist up to Dan in a fistbump-like manner; Dan appears to be laughing. Fourth photo: Dan’s head is slightly turned down, him still laughing as you, on tiptoes, press a kiss to his cheek. The comment on the post is “…and you’re oh so shy, but she makes you laugh/in that photograph when she kisses your cheek. —when the booth goes bright, amelie”. The tags on the post read “#i ship it SO HARD Y’ALL #ADLKSJFHSDFJAKDH #CAN THEY NOT”.]

_1,364 likes_

**alilyforastamp** well, that certainly didn’t take long, did it. (the parallel is admittedly pretty cute.)

_See all 839 comments_

**shanemadej** …so remember when a whole bunch of people at work thought you and @adambianchi were dating and started taking bets on your relationship status?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej i hope by this comment, you mean you’re going to put the kibosh on any similar shenanigans that could occur.

**jenrigatoni** @shanemadej @alilyforastamp don’t worry, i will. (mostly out of jealousy and spite, but hey.) :P

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni bless.

***

[Pictured: screenshot of part of a text conversation, light grey speech bubble on the left, blue speech bubble on the right.

Grey: My god. Out of all the flavors, you chose to be salty.

Blue: is that why you’re so thirsty for me? :3 ]

_5,691 likes_

**alilyforastamp** i might as well just quit now because i will NEVER come up with a comeback better than this.

_See all 3,995 comments_

**adambianchi** sound logic there.

**jenrigatoni** WOW.

**danny_avidan** And you didn’t include the selfie of indignance I sent you in response to this?

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan I HADN’T RECEIVED IT WHEN I MADE THIS POST. i was too caught up in my own brilliance.

***

[Pictured: a hand holding up an index card, on which is written “Dear Wesley Fulmer” in swirly calligraphy style. The card is held in front of a computer screen open to editing software; the video being edited is paused on a still of Wes, Ned, and Ariel.]

_9,994 likes_

**alilyforastamp** dear wesley fulmer, what to say to you… (or: my sister and i recorded a loving parody of “dear theodosia” for @nedfulmer and @arielmfulmer and their son.) (thank you for giving me to okay to share this publicly.) (also, i creeped on y’all’s instagrams SO MUCH for this, i’m so sorry. :P )

_See all 7,211 comments_

**arielmfulmer** I’m tearing up over this. This is the absolute sweetest thing. Thank you so much, to you and your sister. :)

**nedfulmer** We have a new lullaby for Wes now. :)

**keithhabs** A severe lack of Uncle Keith in this adorable video.

**eugeneleeyang** don’t think i didn’t notice you using a clip of me babysitting when you sang about making mistakes. (i mean, it’s TRUE, but the point stands.)

**korndiddy** “you’ll come of age with your father’s channel…” WHAT A LINE.

**theteegeman** …okay, but where’s MY kid’s lullaby?

**alilyforastamp** @theteegeman my sister recorded a playlist full of classical piano lullabies for your kid and i babysat for you once, shut up maybe.

***

[Video: you near the camera on the “Unsolved” set, seemingly unaware that you’re being filmed. Genesis is playing in the background as you dance. The moment that gets the person filming you to laugh is you pumping your fist in the air in the four beats leading up to an AMAZING key change before you spin and almost run into the camera. You then bop your way towards the person filming you to seemingly stop the recording.]

_1,840 likes_

**alilyforastamp** i knew @ryanbergara was filming me dancing to “invisible touch” like a dang fool…i didn’t know he was filming me with MY PHONE. (never leaving my phone unattended while i dance to bops ever again.)

_See all 779 comments_

**dangerousatanyspeed** okay HOW COME YOU NEVER COME DANCING WITH US LADY

**alilyforastamp** @dangerousatanyspeed because i dance like this? also i don’t think the clubs play a lot of genesis these days.

**ryanbergara** Not sure which is more adorkable: your dancing, your enthusiasm for key changes, or the theory you related afterwards that this song is about being possessed.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara IS A GOOD KEY CHANGE FIGHT ME.

**danny_avidan** First of all, stellar taste in bops. Second of all, WHAT is this theory of which @ryanbergara speaks? How DARE you besmirch the good name of Genesis with such nonsense. :P

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan “she seems to have an invisible touch…she reaches in and grabs right hold of your heart…it takes control and slowly tears you apart”. TELL ME I’M WRONG.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a Twitter thread. The first tweet, from @Lin_Manuel, reads “Credits in video: ‘originally written by Lin-Manuel Miranda (or, if you’re Sebastian Miranda, @VAMNit)’. That ALONE is worth my click. [link to “Dear Wesley Fulmer” video. The second tweet, from @Lin_Manuel, reads “The baby is cute, the voices sweet, the parody loving, and the credits hilarious.” The third tweet, from @VAMNit, reads “That kid, years from now, upon meeting @Lin_Manuel: ‘You did not write that song. alilyforastamp wrote that song.’” The fourth tweet, from @Lin_Manuel, reads “@VAMNit BAHAHA you’re not wrong.”]

_8,462 likes_

**alilyforastamp** half of me: vanessa nadal watched my video, i can die happy. (and also her husband, dunno what he does, something to do with music.)

the other half of me: PEOPLE. STOP LINKING LIN TO MY VIDEOS, DANG IT.

_See all 4,003 comments_

**shanemadej** You know, if you didn’t sing songs from musicals he’s written, maybe this wouldn’t happen.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej you know, if you weren’t so sassy in the comments on my posts, i wouldn’t insult the hotdaga as much. (…that’s a lie, i’ll disparage the hotdaga until my dying day.)

**adambianchi** maybe he subscribes to your channel and watches your vids of his own volition.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi i’m gonna need you to not with that theory.

**danny_avidan** You never freak out like this when I promote your videos. :P

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan win some tonys, then we’ll talk. (also, i literally made a video with you, what more do you want.)

***

[Pictured: an ad for “Rock of Ages 10th Anniversary tour”.]

_668 likes_

**alilyforastamp** WELL I KNOW WHAT I’M GETTING TICKETS TO #rockofages #iwannarock

_See all 449 comments_

**danny_avidan** Wasn’t that a terrible Tom Cruise movie?

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan YES, it WAS. but the movie was FAR different (and inferior) from the stage musical. hard-and-fast rule about film adaptations of stage shows: NEVER judge a musical by its movie. “phantom” onstage is far less enh than “phantom” onscreen (though rest assured, still quite enh). “cabaret” is excellent onscreen, but a different beast from its equally excellent stage predecessor based on how the songs are presented. (the one exception to this rule is “rent”, which is equally terrible onscreen AND onstage.)

**eugeneleeyang** LIVING for this screen vs. stage adaptation tea spillage.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang you’ve never seen my sister three glasses of pinot noir into a diatribe about this very topic. (she has Opinions™.)

**shanemadej** @danny_avidan Gonna have to politely call you out on your opinions re: Tom Cruise, Mr. Video Game Song Man. Tommy is a gem of an actor.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej clearly, you’ve never seen the “rock of ages” movie. trust me. is BAD. i don’t even recommend watching it out of spite because someone was contrary to your opinion.

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of a text conversation.

Blue: hey, i need a baby-daddy for an upcoming vid, you doing anything this weekend?

Grey: …I need context.

Blue: is that a yes?

Grey: It’s an “I need context”.]

_996 likes_

**alilyforastamp** he got context. you don’t.

_See all 663 comments_

**jenrigatoni** EXCUSE ME YOUNG LADY.

**shanemadej** What are you up to?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej i’m not hatch-scheming nothin’.

***

[Pictured: you, headphones over your ears, your head resting on your folded arms.]

_608 likes_

**alilyforastamp** you ever get tired of the sound of your own voice? #editing

_See all 219 comments_

**ryanbergara** Yep. When recording VO for “Unsolved” I get REALLY tired of hearing myself talk.

**shanemadej** I get tired of hearing @ryanbergara talk, too.

**ryanbergara** @shanemadej rude.

***

[Video: you and Dan in Revolutionary War–era costume, Dan’s hair pulled back into a ponytail. An instrumental track plays. You’re mid-lyric when the video starts: “—not sorry.” You take Dan’s hand. “I knew you’d fight until the war was won,” you sing, Dan overlapping with “War’s not done” You continue with “But you deserve a chance to meet your son.” Dan gestures at the slight swell to your stomach and exclaims “SON’S NOT DONE!” You’re mid-next-lyric when you burst into laughter at Dan’s comment, reaching out to smack him in the shoulder as he beings laughing. Someone from behind the camera shuts off the instrumental as you giggle “Can you not” before the video ends.]

_9,759 likes_

**alilyforastamp** (i know this is the stinger for the vid but it was too funny not to share here too.) (we’re referencing this post: [link to tumblr text post])

ANYWHOOZLE, some people wanted @danny_avidan to come back. other people wanted me to do the other lin-manuel miranda musical. hope “that would be enough” will be enough. :P [link to video]

_See all 6,689 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** more like pippa who, am i right?

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang what have i said about slander against pippa in my house?

**jenrigatoni** …is it weird if i say pregnancy looks good on you? even if it’s fake pregnancy?

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni. a little bit, but you’re always complimenting me in weird ways like that, so i’m not too fazed. :P

**danny_avidan** 10/10 would be your baby-daddy for a video again.

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan dork. (thank you.)

***

[Pictured: A screenshot of a comment on YouTube, the name of the commenter scribbled out. The comment reads “That child? Finn Wolfhard.”]

_9,963 likes_

**alilyforastamp** aaaaaaand “that would be enough” officially has a pinned comment. @danny_avidan

_See all 6,014 comments_

**adambianchi** …i can see it.

**shanemadej** Out of all the weirdness to result from your friendship with this man, this is the LAST thing I expected.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej (finn played young!dan in a music video for nsp, and has been a fan of dan’s for years. that’s the joke.)

**danny_avidan** Makes sense, really. He DOES have your penchant for horror-related media and your need to go hunting for ghosts/cryptids/monsters.

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan. well, he has your hair AND your love for nostalgia/the 1980s. (and don’t look at me when it comes to his penchant for swearing, he didn’t get that from me.)

**danny_avidan** @alilyforastamp Well, he DID get the SASS from you, CLEARLY.

**finnwolfhardofficial** @danny_avidan @alilyforastamp Mom, Dad, please stop fighting.

***

[Pictured: You, holding up two tickets, hiding the lower half of your face, your eyes reading excitement.]

_1,007 likes_

**alilyforastamp** GUESS WHO GOING TO ROCK OF AGES MY SISTER IS THE BEST

_See all 592 comments_

**ryanbergara** With nary a Tom Cruise to be seen, I’m guessing?

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara EXACTLY. :D

**shanemadej** You know, given your love for the weird musicals you like that are weird, a jukebox musical seems out of left field for you.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej i can be multifaceted.

**danny_avidan** You’ve got me so curious about this musical…

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan dude, it’s SO up your alley.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...okay, full confession. i want to write the FUCK out of the "drunk sister guesses movie composers" video. yea or nay. (i'll finally give the sister a name if i do.)
> 
> feedback welcome and appreciated.


	4. Dear Wesley Fulmer: Lyrics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics to "Dear Wesley Fulmer", a loving parody of "Dear Theodosia", originally written by Lin-Manuel Miranda (or, if you're Sebastian Miranda, Vanessa Nadal), with updated lyrics by alilyforastamp and her sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been feeling like garbage for not getting a new chapter written. here's why that hasn't happened.
> 
> first, there were a couple of other writing things i did (which you CAN check out if you WANT but are by no means obligated to.) THEN, i got sick and could barely stare at my computer for too long without feeling sick/dizzy. and NOW, i'm in the middle of busy season at my workplace, which takes up most of my brain efforts until at least the end of march. i will do my damnedest to try and write SOMETHING this weekend, but if i can't get anything out, at least you know why.
> 
> but i still feel bad for neglecting this story/AU for so long. so...here's something to tide you over until my brain stops being soup. reader and sister's wes-focused cover of "dear theodosia". ...and by reader and sister, i mean me.
> 
> story behind the amusing credits: "dear theodosia" from "hamilton" is/was sung as a lullaby to lin-manuel and vanessa's first son, sebastian; vanessa would sing it to him, so he thought she wrote it. and when lin would try to sing him to sleep with "dear theodosia", sebastian told him "you did not write that song. mommy wrote that song."

Dear Wesley Fulmer, what to say to you  
You have Ned’s eyes, you have your mother’s smile  
At the end of a video, you cried  
And it broke my heart  


They’re dedicating every day to you  
Domestic life is very much their style  
When you smile  
You knock me out, I fall apart  
And I thought I was so smart  


You will come of age with your father’s channel  
They’ll bleed and fight for you  
They’ll make it right for you  
If they lay a strong foundation and plan well  
They’ll pass it on to you

They’ll give the world to you  
And you’ll blow us all away  
Someday, someday  
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away  
Someday, someday  


Oh, Wesley, you outshine the morning sun  
Ned’s son  
Look at Ned’s son  
Pride is not the word I’m looking for  
There is so much more inside us now  
Oh, Wesley, when you smile, we are undone  
Ned’s son  
When you smile, I fall apart  
And I thought I was so smart  


Your father will be around  
Your mother will be around  
They always will be around for you  
They’ll do whatever it takes  
And maybe make some mistakes  
But they’ll make the world safe and sound for you  


You will come of age with your father’s channel  
They’ll bleed and fight for you  
They’ll make it right for you  
If they build a strong foundation and plan well  
They’ll pass it on to you  
They’ll give the world to you  
And you’ll blow us all away  
Someday, someday  
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away  
Someday, someday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback/admonishments for not writing welcome and appreciated (and, in the case of admonishments, very much deserved).


	5. If You Want Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth or Dare night at the Buzzfeed office goes...well...it could have gone better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got that new chapter out sooner than expected. at least, before the worst of busy season at work hits and my brain is reduced to soup. (also, despite at least one person's theory, no, i'm not the easter bunny.)
> 
> i wanna preface this chapter by saying i'm certain everyone who works at buzzfeed is perfectly lovely in real life. that said...alcohol can make people say dumb shit. so...yeah. that's my justification for any OOC-ness y'all might see in certain people. 
> 
> (title of chapter comes from the song "if you want me" from "once".)

It seems like every Friday, there’s news going around about some new goings-on or to-do for the weekend. Someone’s always having a party, there’s always a happy hour, an outing to a club—something that’ll involve copious amounts of alcohol, Instagram stories, loud music, and dancing. (And possibly a coworker hooking up with another coworker.) (At least according to the Buzzfeed rumor mill, a coworker hooks up with another coworker.)

You sometimes get invited, depending on the crowd who’s proposing the shindig, you sometimes don’t. But you pretty much always decline the invitation, usually with some excuse. Your sister has a concert or rehearsal, or you need to film/edit/post something for your channel. (Or, now that you’re friends with Dan and, by extension, the Grumps, Ninja Audrey misses you and wants you to come over and play. And like hell you’re disappointing a four-year-old.)

Plus, the happy hour/club/whatever scene isn’t really your thing—you don’t drink and you can’t dance, so you’d be no fun anyway. That’s usually a good enough blanket excuse for you to get away with not having to go to a thing at which you’d probably be wildly uncomfortable to begin with.

Needless to say, that blanket excuse doesn’t really fly when Jen sends you the invitation for Truth or Dare. It’s taking place at the office, after everyone’s off work. No dancing will be involved (unless dared to do so in some fashion), and it’s BYOB so anyone who DOES want to drink is fending for themselves. (It’s not for a video. It’s just for fun.) (But also, high school party games are more fun when you’re adults and don’t have to worry about parents or whatever.)

So you roll your eyes and concede. You can stick around for a little while. But don’t be surprised if you end up needing to duck out early.

***

The shenanigans end up taking place on one of the larger sets with more furniture for everyone to sit (though some desk chairs are rolled in). It’s not a small crowd, but not teeming with bodies, either. Most of the Ladylike women are there, people from Tasty, Pero Like, Multiplayer. And, of course, a healthy representation from the BUN.

You’re currently sitting in the middle of a couch, sandwiched between Sara and Ryan. Really, it feels like Shane should be sitting between his soulmates and not you, but Sara was adamant in wanting you to sit next to her, and Shane likes having an armrest. Not that Ryan minds sitting next to you, if the smile and slight elbow nudge he gives you as he settles in on the couch are any indication.

After some general conversation and once those who are drinking have imbibed enough to make the game interesting, Truth or Dare kicks off.

Someone dares Devin to sing the “Cho Chang, domo arigato” bit from “A Very Potter Musical” and she looks positively MURDEROUS about it before acquiescing. Ryan dares Shane to say “ghosts are real”, to which Shane dares Ryan to go fuck himself. Rie’s Dares for people are positively adorable and never really go beyond “do the ‘make it fancy’ dance”; likewise, because Rie’s so sweet, the Dares she’s given never really go beyond “smooch Bianchi”. (And unlike every other kiss, which draws catcalls, when Rie leans up to press her lips to Adam’s cheek or lips or the tip of his nose, a chorus of “Awwwww” fills the room.)

But all the sweetness of Adam and Rie aside, there is an overabundance of the typical Truth or Dare nonsense (kiss this person, who do you have a crush on, give this person a lap dance, flash your soul mark, etc.). Because of course there is.

The best—and by best, you mean most awkward—is when Devin dares Sara to kiss Ryan. You end up leaning back as far as you can on the couch, to the point where you’re almost sliding down on to the floor, to afford them room to share an awkward peck to many catcalls and Shane half-stating, half-laughing, “This is so weird…” at the sight of his soulmates smooching (which prompts your question of “Oh, YOU think it’s weird?”).

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Sara pulls away from the kiss, laughing to ask you that. From your slumped position, you give a thumbs-up.

“Super comfy.” Your tone suggests otherwise. The two of them help pull you up so you can sit upright on the couch again, you subtly trying to tug your shirt back into place where it rode up over your stomach when you slid down the couch (and hoping no one was staring at your exposed skin too much).

“So anyway, spaghetti woman,” Sara says to you, taking a sip from her cup of some sort of beer. You roll your eyes at her nickname, but nod for her to continue. “Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.” With some of the dares people have given people, you’re not about to take anyone up on that offer. Sara taps her chin with a “hmm”, as though she’s thinking of the most devious question to ask you.

“What’s the worst comment you’ve ever received on a video?” she ends up asking.

“Video I’ve done for Buzzfeed or for my own channel?”

“Either/or.”

You think for a moment.

“Okay, it’s not the WORST comment I’ve ever received, but it’s the one that’s made me the most upset,” you finally say. “On one of the videos on my channel that featured my sister at the piano…like…abundantly, someone left a comment that basically said ‘I hope someone Sofia Voltas your sister’.”

Right off the bat, Ryan and Shane, almost in unison, let out a “What the FUCK?”

“Wow,” Sara says. “Scum.”

“Right?”

“They hope someone what?” The question comes from Curly.

“They hope someone does to my sister what someone did to Sofia Volta,” you explain. “Essentially, slam a piano lid on her fingers before murdering her brutally.”

THAT gets a round of shocked and appalled mutterings.

“Well, FUCK that guy,” Shane declares.

“Did your sister see that comment?” Ryan asks. You shake your head.

“I deleted it before she got the chance to. And I hope she NEVER sees a comment like that. She doesn’t deserve them.”

“You don’t, either,” Sara says, nudging your knee with hers and resting her head on your shoulder for a moment. Ryan pats your other knee in agreement.

“…okay, enough of this maudlin shit, JEN, Truth or Dare.” It startles Sara off your shoulder and Ryan’s hand off your knee, accompanied by equally startled laughter.

“Dare!” Jen exclaims, slamming her hand on the back of the couch she’s standing behind (startling poor Devin). “Bring it, baby. I can handle whatever you have in store.” She makes a “come hither” gesture with her hand, giving you a wink as she does. You tap the side of your face and look up, in faux deep thought.

“I dare you to…eat a marshmallow!” you exclaim before a fake, obnoxious “teeheeheehee!”

Said marshmallows are leftover pumpkin spice–flavored marshmallows from the holidays, so they are VILE in taste and texture. Jen eats said marshmallow. She pulls a face. The game continues.

More kisses, at least one more lap dance, a brief but impassioned argument re: the Hotdaga (between guess who, go on, just guess).

Kelsey I. gets asked if she’s ever hooked up with anyone from the office. She blushes nearly beet red before nodding. She refuses to answer when people try to needle the person’s identity about her. (Given the way you feel Ryan shift next to you, you have an idea of who.)

Then later on, Curly asks Ryan, “How many people in this room have you kissed?” You feel Ryan freeze again as catcalls go around the room.

“At least one,” Ryan finally answers, gesturing towards Sara, who waves exaggeratedly at the room.

“Okay, but who else?” Curly needles.

“Nope, I technically answered your question, we’re moving on,” Ryan says, taking a deep gulp from his beer. Your eyes flicker over to Kelsey. She’s blushing again, but you also read relief on her face before she hides it behind her own cup of whatever she’s drinking.

Truths get told, Dares get performed, and you watch and laugh and sip from your can of sparkling water until Devin’s saying your name and asking you Truth or Dare.

“Truth,” you say right away. A few groans from the crowd.

“Girl, you’ve done nothing BUT Truth all night,” Curly sighs. “You’re, like, the most boring person ever.”

“Yeah, because I’ve seen the Dares y’all are putting out there and unless Rie’s the one to dare me, I ain’t having it,” you fire back before turning to wave at Rie (who waves back with a bright smile).

“It’s okay, Curly, I got this,” Devin says, reaching back to pat his arm, then smiling at you mischievously. “So…last time you had sex. Tell us about that.”

“Of fucking course,” you mutter as you take a long drag of your sparkling water, wincing as the carbonation burns your throat.

“C’mon,” Devin coos. “When did you last get down and dirty with anyone?”

“And if I haven’t?” you ask, arching an eyebrow. She seems to falter at that for a moment, and you almost giggle at the ripple of AWKWARD you can feel permeate the room. As she begins to stammer out an apology, you wave your hand and say, “Don’t worry, I have.”

“Oh, thank god,” she sighs, placing a hand over her heart. “Started to feel like a bit of an asshole for a minute.” You fight back the urge to roll your eyes before you think, staring at your feet as you do. “So…you gonna answer…?”

“Yeah, I’m thinking, hold on…” You actually do have to rack your brain a little, and end up saying (more to yourself, but loud enough for people to hear) “Last time was…sometime after senior year of college so…” You look at Devin. “Seven, maybe eight years ago?”

The ripple of awkward becomes a tidal wave of “WHAT?” and “DAMN” and “REALLY?”

“You mean you never fucked Bianchi back when we all thought y’all had a thing going on?” Curly asks, almost incredulous. You clench your teeth.

“No, I never slept with Adam,” you say. “Rie, I’m very sorry this question got asked in your presence.”

“Sorry, babe,” Curly throws in her direction (without much sincerity to it), but Rie assures both of you it’s okay (Adam, though, is giving Curly SUCH a stink-eye).

“What about that one guy?” Devin asks, leaning forward, propping her elbows on her knees as she gestures towards you. “That guy you do the videos with who has the weird thumbs?”

“Dan? No. I’ve never slept with Dan,” you say, almost annoyed. “We’re just friends.”

“I mean, you know what they say about a guy with thumbs like that,” Curly says around the rim of his cup.

You fight another eyeroll before you rebut, “They say ‘How on earth do you find gloves that manage to fit properly?’” That gets a snort out of Ryan.

“But also,” Kelsey Darragh interrupts, “What would those thumbs feel like on my clit.”

“KELSEY.”

“Whaaaat?” she says with a shrug. “Everyone’s thinkin’ it, I’m just sayin’ it!”

“Back to the topic at hand,” Devin waves away the current discussion, though she seems at a loss for words. “How…why…how and why. Like, seriously. THAT LONG?” You let out a huff of breath before staring at your can of La Croix.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t—” Ryan begins to say before Curly cuts him off with an “oh, she has to.” Devin tries to shush Curly before you look back up.

“It’s okay, I’ll explain. I’m fine answering additional questions.” You take a deep breath. “Last time was the last relationship I was in. Also the first relationship I was in. …also the ONLY relationship I was in.” You swirl the remaining water in your can around. “It ended because she found her soulmate.” A pause as you practically hear the pronoun you used hit a switch in people’s brains. “I just…haven’t ever since.”

“…so you’re…?”

“Not completely straight, no.”

“I am so sorry if you felt like you had to come out—” Devin begins, but you cut her off.

“You didn’t. It’s never really come up in conversation with anyone, so I’m not surprised if people didn’t know. That said, I’ve never really tried to hide it either.”

“…EIGHT YEARS?”

“Yes, Darragh, eight years.” Devin tries to interject, but Kelsey waves her off.

“No no, I get it, breakups suck, but…like, how could you stand going THAT LONG without sex?” More people are trying to shush Kelsey, but you just inhale and speak over them.

“You know, funny enough, I missed HER more than I missed sex,” you begin to get everyone to shut up. "I always figured I would wait until I met my soulmate so I could share that experience with them for the first time.” You shrug. “Then I fell in love.” A pause. “I don’t regret anything. But I don’t know I’m ready for…any of that again unless it’s with my soulmate.”

Some people nod. Curly looks skeptical.

“You sure that’s not just the excuse you use because no one wants to fuck you?” he asks.

You open your mouth as if to answer. Then what he said hits you in full. Seems to hit the room at the same time. You close your mouth, stare down at your nearly empty can of La Croix, and let other people, in hushed tones, ask Curly “…dude, what the fuck?”

“…didn’t mean to say that, um…” He seems to have realized he said a Bad Thing. “Meant to say, you sure that’s not just the excuse you use because YOU haven’t found anyone YOU want to fuck?”

You laugh a little, mostly to yourself. You don’t need to say out loud that you know he meant what he said the first time around. But you do speak.

“To be honest, it’s probably both,” you say, finally looking up, staring him straight in the eyes. “No one wanting to fuck me and no one I want to fuck.” You pause, looking down again. “Losing her messed me up for a while, so…it was DEFINITELY the latter for a long time.” You tilt your head back as you swallow the last of your sparkling water, closing your eyes as you let the carbonation burn.

“I think I’m done,” you finally say, setting your now-empty can on the ground near your feet. “Someone else can go for me.” A flurry of protest starts up. In your peripheral vision, you see both Sara and Ryan reaching out for you, and you put your hands on your legs as a way of conveying that you don’t want to be touched. (Really, it’s taking everything in you not to bolt up from the couch and leave.)

“He really didn’t mean what he said,” Devin tries to assure. You make no indication that you’re listening—just stare at the ground as she continues. “You’re…you’re an attractive, woman, okay?”

“Guys, come on, she doesn’t—” Sara begins, getting cut off by Kelsey Darragh.

“You’re hot, babe. I’D fuck you,” is her helpful addition. You chew on the inside of your mouth, fingers tightening around your knees as she just keeps talking. “Ryan, Shane, you work with her on the reg, you’d fuck her, right?”

You stand so quickly it almost makes your head spin and DOES make Sara yelp in surprise.

“Okay, I’m out,” you insist, stepping around cups and not looking up or listening to anyone saying your name as you make a beeline for the exit. “No, I don’t need to stay here and listen to people talk about how fuckable or, apparently, UNfuckable I am.”

“Oh my god, it was just a JOKE,” Curly sighs. “Can’t you take a goddamn joke?” You pause at the door and turn to address him and only him.

“First, you didn’t mean to say what you said. Now, it was just a joke. If and when you’re going to insult me, at LEAST have the decency to be consistent about it.”

With that, you pull the door open and leave, pushing it shut and hearing it slam behind you.

You pass your desk, where all your stuff is still sitting, and make for the nearest restroom. Once inside, you step into the nearest stall, bolt the door, and rest your head against the wall, taking deep shaky breaths in and out through your nose in an effort to fight the urge to throw up and push back tears you can feel stinging behind your eyelids.

Immediate regret for how you handled yourself just now. Utter mortification.

It’s not even so much that Curly specifically said the things he said. It’s more…hearing someone else voice their view of you, and it’s the view of yourself that you FEAR people have of you. The view you have of yourself deep down.

It’s one thing for you to call yourself boring or unfuckable. It’s very different hearing another voice, in all sincerity, call you boring or unfuckable. And the paranoia of how many other people see you in the same light begins to seep in…

…but also, your mom’s voice is echoing in the back of your brain, scoffing about how you can’t take a joke. She was right, apparently.

You’re not sure how much time passes before someone’s knocking on the bathroom door and calling your name. You push away from the wall of the stall and sigh as you hear the door open, your name repeated.

It’s Jen.

You unlock the stall and step out.

“Hey. You all right?”

“Yeah, just…thought I was gonna be sick for a moment.” She offers something between a smile and a grimace. “But I’m…not OKAY, but I didn’t vom, so…”

“That’s always good,” Jen says with just enough brightness to draw something of a smile out of you.

“I’m sorry for how I reacted to…everything in there,” you say. “Brought the fun to a screeching halt and all.”

“You’re totally fine. I mean…yeah, everyone’s heading home now, the game kinda broke up after you left.” Jen rubs the back of her neck. “You know…after Curly and co. got a good talking-to. Mostly courtesy of your BUN-mates.” She drops her hand at her side. “I’m sorry all that happened.”

“I mean, YOU didn’t say any of that shit, so…no need to apologize on anyone’s behalf,’ you say with a shrug.

“…I also, um…” She rubs the back of her neck again. “Not to make it about me for a hot second, but…” You snort. “Like, I have a tendency to flirt with you, like, jokingly? On Instagram and the like? And if anything I’ve ever said has made you uncomfortable, I’m really sorry.” She runs a hand through her hair before it falls to her side again. “If I’d known about your past relationship, I would’ve backed off…like, if anything I ever said or did brought up painful memories or anything, or if you’ve ever been annoyed because you’re not looking for that kind of thing, just…let me know and I’ll stop.”

“…you know, honestly, I’m disappointed that your reaction to learning I once dated a woman in the past wasn’t ‘wait, I actually had a chance this whole time?’”

Jen’s resulting cackle is maybe the best thing you’ve ever heard all night. And it’s absolutely contagious.

“No, but seriously…” you say when both of you have stopped laughing. “You’re totally fine. Haven’t minded a bit.”

“Cool.”

“And if…you know, me not looking to date has you heartbroken or anything, I’m sorry about that.”

“No, it’s fine, I totally get that. Like I said, it’s more…JOKING flirting than anything. You should see my text conversations with literally anyone else from Ladylike. I’ve proposed to Chantel at least five times, and Kristin even more times than that.” You laugh at that.

Jen jumps at the sound and feeling of her phone buzzing and takes it out of her pocket to read whatever message she’s received.

“Speaking of…” she says, “Lyft’s here.” She puts her phone away and looks back up at you. “So…we’re cool?”

“We’re cool.” She gives you a double thumbs-up before you roll your eyes and pull her into a hug. She pats your back a few times before pulling away.

“You’re a brilliant, wonderful woman,” Jen says, taking hold of your shoulders. “And whoever your soulmate is, they’re gonna be the luckiest person in the world to have you. And I’m maybe only 50 percent jealous that it’s not me. She squeezes your shoulders before letting go and giving you a cheeky wink.

“You’re something else, Jen,” you say, shaking your head and laughing.

The two of you exit the bathroom, her heading for the front door, where her carpool is waiting. You make your way to your desk to pick up your things. The building’s basically empty now, which you’re grateful for. So you can grab your purse and keys and everything in peace and head to the stairwell, down the flights of stairs to ground level, and head out towards your car.

Except as you walk through the parking lot, you hear someone call your name, turning to see Ryan jogging over towards you.

“Hey,” you greet, surprised to see him still here. You’d assumed he would have gotten a ride with Shane and Sara or something. …regardless, you assume he’s about to ask if YOU can drive him home since you’re the boring one who doesn’t drink alcohol. (Maybe not in those EXACT words, but…)

“I, uh…I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” is what he says instead. You blink and stare up at him for a moment.

“I thought you were gonna ask if I could drive you home.” You wince at the brilliance of that sentence.

“Nah, I ordered a Lyft, they’ll be here whenever.”

“Oh.”

“…but yeah, I…um…” He laughs. “Sorry. I’m a little drunk.”

“Yeah?” It’s only a little joking. He holds up his thumb and pointer in the “a little bit” pose. You giggle at the gesture.

“But yeah…tonight was…after everything tonight, I just wanted to make sure you were okay before I left.” Like Jen before, he rubs the back of his neck. “I…was a little afraid you were gonna have another panic attack.” Again, you blink as his words register. You…did not expect that.

“No…no panic attack…” you say. “I’m fine…well…not FINE, but…”

“…I’m sorry all that happened,” Ryan says. “I’m not gonna excuse what Curly said with anything like, oh, he was drunk, or whatever…like…he has no right to say anything like that to anyone. If he was joking, it was a really shitty joke, and I’m sorry.” You shrug.

“I mean…you’re not the one who said anything so no need to apologize on behalf of someone else.” A pause. “…but I’ve been around my sister long enough to know people are at their most honest when drunk, so…” Another shrug. “He probably wasn’t joking.”

“That still doesn’t make it okay for him to say shit like that to you.”

“He still would have thought it about me regardless,” you say calmly. “Besides, it’s nothing I haven’t already thought about myself at some point.” The look Ryan gives you could maybe almost break your heart…but before he can say or do anything else in reaction to what you said, you continue. “And I’m sorry Darragh dragged you and Shane into that. That was…if that was as mortifying of a question for you two as it was for me, I’m so sorry. That should’ve been my embarrassment alone.”

“But it shouldn’t have gone as far as it did.”

“Ryan, it’s Truth or Dare. Practically the whole point of that game is seeing how far one can push people boundaries when it comes to sexual acts or questions about sex. Don’t think I didn’t notice you weasel your way out of the question about kissing our coworkers.”

You don’t know why you’re bringing it up. But it falls out of your mouth anyway, like YOU’RE the one who had too much to drink and lost your brain-to-mouth filter.

And, because you already feel like enough of an idiot, you add, “And don’t think I didn’t notice Impicciche breathe a sigh of relief at said weaseling.” Ryan, at the very least, has the decency to look somewhat bashful at your words.

“…it only happened a couple of times,” Ryan explains. And honestly, you REALLY don’t want to hear any of this, but you feel like your efforts to stop his explanation would be fruitless. “It was after…um…” You nod. He doesn’t need to say “the breakup” if it’s still too painful. “She’s amazing, but…we decided we’re better as friends.” You nod. “But I was also worried that…I dunno, I was trying to rush into enjoying the single life again and…”

“You don’t have to justify to me,” you finally say. “You know I’m not going to tell anyone.” You don’t hear the sigh of relief, but you can almost see it.

“Yeah, I’m…I’m not as good a person as you,” Ryan says. You raise your eyebrows. “Never even thought about waiting for my soulmate. …kinda felt like I gave up on them.”

“You’re considering soul mark removal,” you can’t help but point out. “That kind of IS giving up on them.” Ryan winces.

“Yeah…you’re not wrong…”

“…it doesn’t make you a bad person, though. But, like…I felt like I gave up on my soulmate, too, sometimes. Like…didn’t care if I found them because it wouldn’t be her, so what would even be the point. I was angry and hurt. So… I’m not necessarily a good person, either.”

It’s not a lie. Memories of like after losing her have been drudged up and some of those old hurts have been opened up. And you remember nights of glaring at your unchanged mark and cursing it for not matching hers. And you think about how that mirrors…what feels, at times, like your own equivalent of having given up on your soulmate even now that you know who it is. Because he’s already given up on you, even if he doesn’t know it’s you.

Ryan stares at you for a moment. And then he steps forward and wraps his arms around you. You stiffen for a moment before your own arms go around his back.

“You’re better than you give yourself credit for,” you hear Ryan say, feel the words vibrate through his chest. “You’re not the most boring person ever. You’re nothing bad anyone said about you tonight.”

Maybe it’s the sincerity in his voice, maybe it’s the fact he’s hugging you, maybe it’s just in spite of all the terrible thoughts and feelings still swimming in your head, but you hold him a little tighter, feel his hold on you tighten in return. And for a moment, you almost feel fully connected to him. Like he actually knows, and is comforting you after a shitty night because you’re his soulmate and he hates seeing you hurt.

“…also…” He begins to speak again. “Um…about Kelsey’s question…”

“No.” You pull away, step away, don’t look up at him. “I don’t need…I don’t WANT to know the answer to that question.”

You’re honestly not sure which would make you feel worse to hear—the negative or the affirmative.

“…yeah…okay,” he says quietly. You look up, and he’s looking away now, looking down at his phone and running a hand through his hair. It’s dark outside, so you’re not entirely sure, but…you imagine you can almost see something resembling disappointment. But it really is too dark to tell, and tonight’s been weird enough as it is.

“Lyft will be here soon,” he says, looking backup at you. “I should let you go.” You nod.

“Get home safe,” you say.

“You too,” he says, wrapping an arm around you in one last quick hug before he leaves. You watch him walk away for a while before you unlock your car and step in to head home.

***

You already have a couple of videos fully edited and ready to post to your channel. You’d already been planning to post one when you got home tonight.

Instead, when you get home, you ask your sister if you can borrow her guitar for a bit.

You set up your camera phone on a desk tripod on your bedside table and sit on your bed. You reach to turn it on, and in the dim lighting of your room, not giving a shit about how it looks or what the sound quality will end up being, you strum the guitar and sing:

***

Are you really here  
Or am I dreaming  
I can't tell dreams from truth  
For it's been so long  
Since I have seen you  
I can hardly remember your face anymore  
When I get really lonely  
And the distance calls its only silence  
I think of you smiling  
With pride in your eyes  
A lover that sighs

If you want me  
Satisfy me  
If you want me  
Satisfy me

Are you really sure  
That you believe me  
When others say I lie  
I wonder if you could  
Ever despise me  
You know I really try  
To be a better one to satisfy you  
For you're everything to me  
And I do what you ask me  
If you let me be free

If you want me  
Satisfy me  
If you want me  
Satisfy me

***

You give the video a quick watch to ensure it actually recorded and the camera angle is decent. When you confirm it is, you post it with not much of a description for the video itself. You then shut your phone off and go to sleep.

***

The commenters’ reaction to the video is…mixed, but in a good way. No one seems to give a shit about the change in setting (and actually, some people would be hype for more casual videos like that one).

Mostly, the mixed reaction comes from how the song made people feel, their interpretations of what the song means, and what the song means to you in the way you sing it. For some, they hear a long-distance relationship. For others, estranged lovers of another variance, even if that variance is unclear. Still others, a relationship from the past that the singer can’t quiet get over. General consensus, though, is an aching longing that’s pretty heartbreaking but also weirdly sensual or sexy. (And that probably just comes from the chorus: “If you want me, satisfy me.”)

***

Your phone, the next morning, is full of message notifications from friends. Some apologizing for shit from last night, assuring you you’re a fun, attractive person.

Sara sends paragraphs. Adam sends one paragraph and an invitation for milkshakes. Shane says, “You’re a lovely person and coworker, but I have a soulmate, and also, you hate the Hotdaga, so it would never work out between us.” Ryan sends a frowny face.

Then there’s Dan’s message.

“So…you sort of get mentioned in an upcoming Grump session…thought you should know…we can edit it out if you’re not cool with it.”

There’s a video. You click play on it. You can’t identify the game they’re playing, but Dan and Arin are laughing about SOMETHING.

_Dan: So, for those of you who don’t know, this is alilyforastamp, from YouTube._

_Arin: Yeah, what’d she say?_

_Dan: She—‘giggles’—she told me that, when “Danny, Don’t You Know?” first came out, before she listened to it, she assumed it was just the Christmas song “Mary, Did You Know” but with lyrics about boners or whatever._

_Arin: ‘laughing fit’_

_Dan: ‘giggling fit’ I know, right?_

_Arin: Now I want THAT song!_

_Dan: I mean, CLEARLY, that’s what “Danny, Don’t You Know” SHOULD have been, right? Like, why didn’t I meet her a year or two ago to get that idea?_

_Arin: You should steal more ideas from her._

_Dan: I mean YEAH, why do you think I’m even friends with her? It’s not because she’s a genuinely rad human being. And it’s DEFINITELY not because she’s really good at singing or anything like that—_

_Arin: Matt and Ryan, put in a link to her channel or a video of hers or whatever._

_Dan: No, my friendship with her is rooted solely in personal gain._

_Arin: As all friendships should be._

_Dan: ‘laughing fit’_

_Arin: ‘laughing fit’_

The video ends there.

You stare at your phone and laugh…like…way harder than you have any right to. When you’ve calmed down, you send a reply.

“You just made my morning. Thank you.”

He responds with a smiley face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


	6. Video: I QUIZ MY (tipsy) SISTER ON FILM COMPOSERS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transcript of a video in which you quiz your progressively more tipsy sister on film composers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again...need to update this story/AU more than once a month. (i'll try to be better about it.) (i say this every month and i never am.)
> 
> but sister gets a name (and honestly, i've been wanting and waiting to use her introductory line for literal months now). and reader and sister spill ALL the tea re: film composers.
> 
> (the opinions about said film composers and maybe also some other stuff doesn't necessarily reflect the author's opinions.) (...except they totally do, sorry.) 
> 
> (also, i could've named...like...every film composer ever, but this chapter would've probably gotten way too boring if i did.) (that said, if i forgot a fave, lemme know.)

[Cold open of the video. You and your sister are sitting at a table—your sister on the left of the screen, you on the right. A stack of index cards sits on the table in front of you, a Starbucks cup to your side of the table. You watch your sister uncork a bottle of wine and begin to pour it into a glass. She reaches the point considered a respectable fill…and continues to pour.]

You (covering your face): Oh my god…

Your sister (still pouring): Shut up.

[She does eventually stop pouring and makes to cork the bottle…before taking a swig from the bottle before she does. You roll your eyes.]

[Text screen: I QUIZ MY (tipsy) SISTER ON FILM COMPOSERS]

[Back to you and your sister, who is sipping from her glass.]

You: You wanna introduce yourself to the internet?

Your sister: Doesn’t the internet already know my name thanks to “Unsolved” or your other videos or whatever?

You: Yeah, but officially introduce yourself, I mean.

[Camera cuts.]

Your sister (rapping to the camera): I’ll drink up all the me that ya got on your shelf/So just let me introduce myself/My name is Hennessy…pronounced with an “-ennessy”.

[You sip from your Starbucks cup as your sister does her thing. You mutter something like “pronounced with an ‘oach Z’” into your cup as you sip. Still looking at the camera, your sister points at you.]

Your sister (hereafter referred to in this fic and all future fics as Hennessy): Shut your face, nerd.

[Camera cuts to Hennessy sipping from her glass again as you reach for the index cards in front of you.]

You: So explain what we’re doing.

Hennessy: I wrote down a bunch of film composers’ names on those index cards. You quiz me as I get progressively tipsier.

[She follows her instructions up with another sip.]

You: And you call me the nerd.

Hennessy: Also, you can’t name specific movies, and you can’t hum anything.

You: Ooh. Caveats.

Hennessy: Yeah, the easy thing is to name a movie, so this’ll be a challenge for both of us.

You: Fair point.

[Cut to you shuffling the index cards.]

You: Okay, let’s get this started. [You read the first card.] Um…oh god…uh, super weird…artsy…repetitive vocals…I think he also did some operas that were also weird and repetitive…

Hennessy: …Philip Glass?

You: Yes. Wow. It was hard to think of how to describe him without just singing “Koyaaaaaaaaanisqatsiiiiiiiiiiiiii…”

Hennessy (laughing at your attempt to sing baritone): Right? That’s the fun of the game.

You: Sure, sure. On to the next card. [You set down the first card and read the next one.] Um…writes really good scores for a lot of REALLY shitty movies.

Hennessy: …how bad we talkin’ here?

You: Like, everything Shyamalan’s ever made.

Hennessy: James Newton Howard.

You (setting down the index card): Yes. Also, “I Am Legend”. Great score, trash movie.

Hennessy (speaking over her glass before drinking): You like the alternate ending.

You: I find the alternate, original ending more fitting, but the movie is still pretty trash, especially in comparison to its source material.

Hennessy (after swallowing a healthy gulp of wine): Sure. Back to quizzing, please.

You (shuffling index cards): Yeah, that’s a tangent to tange another day. [You read the next card.] Typewriter.

Hennessy: Marianelli.

You (setting down the index card): Yep. That was easy.

Hennessy: “Atonement” is garbage. The “Pride and Prejudice” remake is garbage. Marianelli’s scores for those movies are the only not-garbage things about them. Don’t at me.

You: They can’t at you, you’re not online.

Hennessy (addressing the camera but pointing at you): Don’t at HER.

You: Sure, that works, too. [You read the next index card.] Are we not men?

Hennessy (toasting her glass in the air): We are Devo! MOTHERSBAUGH!

You (toasting your Starbucks up in the air): MOTHERSBAUGH!

[You take a sip from your cup and look over to see Hennessy draining her glass.]

You: DUDE.

[Camera cuts to Hennessy refilling her glass with wine.]

You: You know what that made me think of just now?

Hennessy: What?

[She looks up at you as you pretend to take a helmet off and poise a sword for stabbing.]

You (in your Miranda Otto-iest voice): I am no man…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Hennessy cackles as you pretend to stab the Witch-King of Angmar before giggling yourself.]

Hennessy: Iconic.

You: Right? Also, that moment…and really, everything about Eowyn, now that I think about it, helped me realize I was not one hundred percent straight.

Hennessy: For me, it was… [She mimes unsheathing a sword and glaring at some Nazgul behind the camera.] If you want him, COME AND CLAIM HIM.

You (addressing the camera): Lord of the Rings trilogy: making this family queerer since two-thousand-whatever.

[Camera cuts.]

Hennessy (picking up her refilled glass): Next composer.

You (looking at the next index card): Um…from the 90s. Movie trailers. Sometimes more keyboard-y than orchestral, but still dope regardless.

Hennessy: Oh god…what’s his name…

You: Shares a first name with a Newman.

Hennessy: …RANDY. Randy Edelman.

You: Correct.

Hennessy (pointing at the camera): Go listen to “Gettysburg”. Now. Especially if you need to get hype for anything. That shit’ll get you HYPE. “Over the Fence” in particular will make you feel like you can do ANYTHING.

You: Just don’t listen to it while you’re driving. You WILL speed.

Hennessy: Very good point.

[Camera cuts.]

You: Okay, next card! [You look at the card.] Uh…some of the only instances of clarinet solo you’ve ever liked in anything ever.

Hennessy: Rachel Portman.

You: Yep.

Hennessy: Her soundtracks, and the beginning of “Rhapsody in Blue”. Those are the only two things in which I enjoy clarinet.

You: What about “Cuphead”?

Hennessy (without missing a beat): Those are the only THREE things in which I enjoy clarinet.

[Camera cuts.]

You (looking at a card): Puns.

Hennessy (with slight disgust): Giacchino.

You: Yyyyyyyyyyyep.

Hennessy: Michael, you write the good music, but enough with the goddamned puns already.

You (looking at the next card): Zemeckis.

Hennessy: Alan Silvestri.

You: Zemeck-YES.

[Hennessy glares at you. You offer her a shit-eating grin in return.]

Hennessy (grumbling): I hate you so much right now.

You: Need I remind you of Tony Awards party night and all your “Great Comet” puns?

[Hennessy continues to glare at you.]

Hennessy: Point begrudgingly taken.

[You smile at her before looking at the next card.]

You: BRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM

Hennessy: Hans fucking Zimmer.

You: Or, alternatively, ….eeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Hennessy: Still Hans fucking Zimmer.

You: Co-fucking-rrect.

Hennessy: Remember when he wrote “The Lion King”? Those were good days.

You: Which is more annoying to you—the “Inception” BRAAAM or the “The Dark Knight” Joker leitmotif?

Hennessy: While the Joker thing is more grating, GOD, you couldn’t escape those BRAAAMs for a hot second, they were in EVERYTHING after “Inception”. Blowing out speakers and eardrums willy and nilly.

You: Whereas with the Joker leitmotif, you don’t realize your ears are bleeding until much later.

Hennessy: ExACTly.

[Camera cuts.]

You (looking at a card): Worked with Annie Lennox. Wanted to work with Enya but she told him to fuck off so he ripped her style off instead.

Hennessy: James Horner.

You: Yes.

Hennessy: “Apollo 13” kicks ass. Like, the music and just…in general, as a film.

You: Yes.

Hennessy: But GOOD GODDAMN, is it jarring in the “Titanic” soundtrack when those keyboard “vocals” come in, like, JEsus Christ.

You: Also yes. [You set down that card and look at the next one.] Oh. REALLY good violin solos before the rest of the orchestra comes in. There’s at least two of those.

[Hennessy purses her lips in thought for a moment before taking a sip of wine.]

Hennessy: Need another clue.

You: Um…this may be cheating but it’s the only other hint I know to give: listen to the Beethoven.

Hennessy: MARK ISHAM, FUCK yes.

You (to the camera): For the record—violin solos of which I speak? Check out “October Sky” and “A River Runs Through It”.

Hennessy: I’ma let “listen to the Beethoven” pass because you didn’t straight-up say “Warrior” so…

You: Cool beans.

[Camera cuts.]

Hennessy (a la the “Don’t Be Suspicious” bit from “Parks and Rec”): Next! Composer! Next next composer! Next! Composer! Next next composer!

You (looking at the card): Uh, THIS’LL dampen your mood considerably.

Hennessy: Oh?

You: Yeah. Um…how the fuck did he win an Oscar for that shit.

[Hennessy slams her palms on the table and glares at the camera.]

Hennessy (in a low growl): REZNOR.

You (in a soft sing-song-y tone): “Social Network” soundtrack is fucking garbage!

Hennessy (hitting the table again): Go listen to every other soundtrack nominated that year and TELL ME HOW THE FUCK. Like…FUCKING “INCEPTION” that shit beat. “HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON”.

You: If you MUST seek out a soundtrack written by one of the fucks from Nine Inch Nails…Chris Vrenna’s work on “American McGee’s Alice”. That’s some good creepy shit. …which I need to burn on to a CD and give to Ryan and Shane, while I’m thinking about it.

Hennessy: And I HATE the BRAAAAMs “Inception” spawned, but at least that shit sounded like MUSIC. Like, it had a notable tune. “Time” is stunning. “Social Network”, the only thing with a fucking tune was “In the Hall of the Mountain King” which REZNOR DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WRITE.

You (mock-whispering to the camera): She’s kinda touchy about Reznor’s award wins.

Hennessy: Yeah, I COULD go on about all the reasons he didn’t deserve to win…

You (preparing to read from the next card): I know you could, Hen—

Hennessy: —SO I WILL.

[Text screen: THIS WENT ON FOR SOME TIME.]

[Next text screen: THIS VIDEO IS LONG ENOUGH AS IT IS.]

[Next-er text screen: BACK TO THE GAME.]

[Camera cuts back to the two of you as though no diatribes against band members-come-film composers had happened.]

You: French.

Hennessy: …fuck, there’s two of them in there.

[You pause and look through the cards.]

You: Crap, you’re right, um…French, instrumentals only.

Hennessy: …Alexandre Desplat.

You: Yes. [You set down that card and move on to the next one.] French with choral AND instrumental work.

Hennessy: Bruno Coulais.

You: Also yes.

Hennessy: “Les Choristes”, baby.

You: I kinda wanna do something from “Les Choristes” on the channel at some point, if only to prove I can sing in French better than Beyoncé at the Oscars.

[Hennessy laughs into her glass of wine.]

Hennessy: Yeah, that was…WOOF.

You (to the camera): I mean, she also isn’t who I think of to sing classical choral music, so…

Hennessy: Yeah, it’s kinda like casting a Jonas Brother in “Les Mis”.

[You and Hennessy exchange a knowing look before you pick up your Starbucks cup and take a pointed sip.]

[Text screen: NICK JONAS PLAYED GAVROCHE ON BROADWAY AND MARIUS IN CONCERT.]

[Next text screen: ONE OF THESE INSTANCES WAS MORE WELL-RECEIVED THAN THE OTHER.]

[Next-er text screen: GUESS WHICH ONE.]

You: You know Ramin Karimloo was just like “Oh god, get him off the stage, I’LL do it”.

Hennessy: Yeah, I think we all know that, given the choice between Ramin fuckin’ Karimloo and fuckin’ Nick Jonas…Karimloo’s gonna be the better Gavroche, hands down.

[You snort and cover your face as Hennessy smirks at the camera.]

Hennessy: Bait and switch.

Me: That man will not rest until he’s played every role in Les Mis at some point in his life. [You start ticking names of roles off on your fingers.] He’s played Marius, Enjolras, Valjean. Javert’ll probably be next, Then Thenardier. Then the Bishop.

Hennessy: Fuck that noise, when does he play the kid who sings “La Resistance” in the South Park movie?

[You make a sound that sounds like you’re about to start speaking, but that gives way to a wheezing exhalation as your head thuds on the table and you shake with laughter. Hennessy giggles a little before sipping her wine.]

Hennessy: Just sayin’…I know I want him telling me they may cut my dick in half and serve it to a pig, and though it hurts, I’ll laugh and dance a dickless jig.

You (lifting your head): I never knew I wanted that in my life until now…oh my god…

Hennessy: Ramin, if you’re watching… [She points a finger gun at the camera with a click of her tongue as she winks.]

[Camera cuts.]

[Hennessy traces her finger around the rim of her glass while you read the next index card.]

You: The brass in some of his soundtracks always goes really…like…elephantine?

[You demonstrate by doing the best brass wail sound you can muster, much to Hennessy’s delight.]

Hennessy: Eliot Goldenthal.

You: Correct.

Hennessy (still shaking with laughter): That was embarrassing for you.

You: Shut up. [You look at the next card.] Speaking of elephants…

Hennessy: …what?

You: Um…asides from elephants, wrote music for a couple of movies with animals in the names.

Hennessy: …um…OH. Oh. Henry Mancini.

You: Baby Elephant Walk. Pink Panther. Great Mouse Detective.

Hennessy: Damn straight.

[You read the next card and roll your eyes.]

You: Oh god…

Hennessy: …Danny Elfman?

You: YES, actually.

[Hennessy leans forward, her head thudding on the table as the two of you laugh that very hard silent laugh before inhaling and straight-up cackling. When Hennessy picks her head back up, she wipes at her eyes.]

Hennessy: Oh my GOD…I’m crying…

You: What does that say about us that just from my TONE, you were able to pick up that it was Danny Elfman?

Hennessy: I mean…he’s not COMPLETELY terrible.

You: Yeah, but it doesn’t change the fact that the best soundtrack a Tim Burton movie has ever had was “Sweeney Todd”. And Elfman didn’t touch any of that, that was all Sondheim and the original orchestrator for the musical.

Hennessy: A very fair point.

[Camera cuts.]

You and Hennessy (singing in Pirelli and the Beadle’s harmonies from the Finale): SWING YOUR RAZOR WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE SWEENEY, HOLD IT TO THE SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES…

[Camera cuts.]

Hennessy: That’s a dream role right there.

You: Mrs. Lovett?

Hennessy: No, Pirelli. [Hennessy points at the camera.] I WILL play Pirelli one day, mark my words.

You: You’d be a better Pirelli that fucking Borat.

Hennessy: …actually, he wasn’t bad as Pirelli. Kinda remember my jaw fucking DROPPING when he dropped the schtick to blackmail Sweeney and thinking “FUCK…Borat can ACT…like, PROPERLY act, not just hamming it up.”

You: …yeah, you’re not wrong.

Hennessy: …but you’re right, I’d still kick his ass as Pirelli.

You: DAAAAAMN straight.

[Camera cuts.]

You: Dan’s gonna kill me.

Hennessy: Why?

You: Because I expressed disdain towards Danny Elfman.

Hennessy: Yeah. Towards Danny Elfman, specifically, as a composer. Not the whole of Oingo fuckin’ Boingo. Dan’s just gonna have to fuckin’ deal.

You: …I guess you’re right.

Hennessy: …although Oingo Boingo also sucks.

You: HENNESSY.

[Camera cuts.]

You (reading the next card): Um…1990s rebirth.

Hennessy: …WHAT?

You: Like…one of the more prominent composers for a certain era in the 1990s that one could consider a rebirth.

Hennessy: Ohhhh…OH! Alan Menken! Disney renaissance.

You: Yep.

Hennessy (pointing at the camera): For the record…best OVERALL thing Menken’s ever written? “Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

You (interrupting): Best thing he’s written EVER? “Transformation” from “Beauty and the Beast”.

Hennessy: EXACTLY.

You: He gets some points off of “Hunchback” for that fucking gargoyles song.

Hennessy: BUT…”Hellfire.” “God Help the Outcasts.” “Out There.” “Bells of Notre Dame.” “Sanctuary!” THAT. FUCKING. CHOIR.

You: Paul Kandel’s high notes at the end of “Bells of Notre Dame.”

Hennessy: You could probably hit those notes in the soprano equivalent.

[She looks over at you, as though waiting for you to demonstrate how you can. You look up from shuffling the index cards and over at her.]

You: …wh—no. I’m not NEARLY warmed up enough to deafen the viewers.

Hennessy: Coward.

[Camera cuts.]

You: Sooooo how drunk are you right now?

Hennessy (holding up the half-empty wine bottle): This drunk. [She swirls it around before taking a swig.]

[Camera cuts.]

Hennessy (holding her wine glass out to you): You wanna sip?

[You take the glass, give it a sniff. Your nose scrunches momentarily before you sip. Hennessy laughs at your grimace.]

Hennessy: You fuckin’ wimp.

You (still grimacing as you hand the glass back to her): How do you drink that?

Hennessy: With great relish.

You: Well, THAT’S why it tastes awful, you put relish in it.

Hennessy (pointing at you): You listen here, you sassy little bit—

[Camera cuts.]

You (looking at the next card): …wrote your favorite score of all time.

Hennessy: HOWARD SHORE.

You (setting down the index card): Yes.

Hennessy: LORD OF THE RINGS. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. That shit did, does, and always will SLAP.

You: For someone who’s not on social media, you sure do know your internet lingo.

Hennessy: You work for Buzzfeed, it rubs off on me.

[Hennessy dabs. You groan.]

Hennessy: What? Did I not do that right? Do I need to try again?

[You grab Hennessy’s arm before she can dab again.]

[Camera cuts.]

You (looking at the card): Not even trying to hid the fact that he wants to be Gustav Holst.

Hennessy: John Williams.

You: Save for a few VERY rare occurrences.

Hennessy: That man, in his childhood, heard “The Planets” and decided, “Hey. That’s pretty neat. I’ll just write that over and over again.”

You: You could replace most of the music from “Star Wars” with “The Planets” and not even notice.

Hennessy: At least when Alan Menken pays homage-slash-rips off “Aquarium” from “Carnival of the Animals” he’s upfront about it.

You: Yeah.

Hennessy (singing to the tune of “Prologue” from “Beauty and the Beast”): This is not Camille Saint-Saaaaaaaaaaaaens…This is not Camille Saint-Saaaaaaaens…”

[As she sings, you cover your mouth with the index card to mask your laughter.]

[Camera cuts.]

You (looking at the card): Um…Haunting use of piano and…woodwinds…usually flute, sometimes an oboe…REALLY fond of hammered instruments.

Hennessy: …Thomas Newman?

You: Yes.

Hennessy: You know…you could’ve just said “my favorite composer”.

You: I mean, he IS my favorite composer, but I felt like that would’ve been too obvious.

Hennessy: What’s your favorite soundtrack by him?

[You purse your lips, thinking as Hennessy sips her wine.]

You: The one where Kate Winslet’s blonde, she has an affair with someone, and everything ends badly.

Hennessy (swallowing her mouthful of wine): …fuck, there’s two of those.

[You laugh, slightly over-the-top and evil.]

Hennessy: Is that your way of answering both of them?

You: Enh…not really. The end credits of “Little Children” are really good but I like “Revolutionary Road” as a whole the best.

Hennessy: He DOES capture the “hopeless emptiness” really well.

You: Guess who’s in that movie that I completely forgot was in that movie?

Hennessy: Who?

You: Hopper from “Stranger Things”.

Hennessy: …FUCK, HE IS? Well, FUCK, guess I gotta watch that again.

You: Yeah, he plays the neighbor who has a crush on Kate Winslet and then they dance at that bar before they bang in the car.

Hennessy: GET IT, Kate. HOT damn.

You: God, I hope Finn isn’t watching this…

Hennessy: So…”Revolutionary Road” is your fave Thomas Newman?

You: Yeah…maybe…”Little Women” is also REALLY good.

Hennessy: Ooh, yeah it is.

You: Different from what I normally associate with him.

Hennessy: But there are still definitely moments where you listen to it and KNOW he wrote it.

You: “Angels in America” is also amazing.

Hennessy: “Infinite Descent”, bro. That is some epic shit.

You: LEMONY SNICKET. How do I always forget the “Series of Unfortunate Events” movie?

Hennessy: Because the movie is, on the whole, forgettable?

You: True.

Hennessy: Like, fifteen percent of that movie is tolerable, and all of that is attributed to the soundtrack.

You: “The Reptile Room.” “The Baudelaire Orphans.” “Loverly Spring” being the greatest way to troll someone at the beginning of a movie. “Hurricane Herman.”

Hennessy: “Drive Away” in the end credits. FUCK, that shit’s good.

[Camera cuts.]

Hennessy: Did you have any interest in that Netflix series version of Lemony Snicket?

You (looking at your phone): Um…is the Thomas Newman score in it?

Hennessy: I don’t think it is.

You: (not looking up from your phone): It’s FUCKING garbage.

Hennessy (shaking with laughter): JEsus…

You: Dude, can we listen to some of this?

[Camera cuts.]

[Hennessy swirls her wine before sipping it. You sit with your arms folded on the table, your head resting on them, stare at your illumined phone as a song plays from it. Slow piano in a major key, but still very sad-sounding.]

You (looking at the camera but not lifting your head from your folded arms): This is “The Letter That Never Came.”

[Hennessy says nothing, but nods. The two of you let the music play for a bit.]

You: I want this played at my funeral, by the way.

Hennessy: …a morbid thing to say but okay.

You: Nah, just a fact. Play this shit at my funeral, okay?

Hennessy: Bold of you to presume you’re gonna die first. I’ve got some years on you.

You: Yeah, well…

[Hennessy sighs heavily before tipping her head back and downing the last dregs of her wine. She leans over and wraps an arm around your shoulder, resting her cheek against the top of your head. You shift your head a little bit to lean into her. She turns to press a kiss to the top of your head. You sigh heavily this time.]

Hennessy: I promise. It’ll be this and a whole bunch of other sad movie soundtrack stuff you like.

You: I’ll make you a playlist.

Hennessy: …you’re cutting this out of the final video, right?

You: No, gotta keep it in. Otherwise, Shane’ll try to say that my dying words were “sing something from the Hotdaga at my funeral” or some bullshit.

[Hennessy snorts, withdrawing herself from the not-really-a-hug.]

Hennessy: Pretty sure Ryan would stop him from doing that.

You: Enh, you never know…

Hennessy: We can add it to your will; that way, he legally can’t do anything about it.

You: Awesome. [You reach for your phone.] I gotta turn this off or I’m gonna start associating it with Shane and I don’t want that.

Hennessy: Also, why is Shane and presumably there when you die in this scenario?

You (lifting your head): Well, OBVIOUSLY, a ghost is gonna murk me when we’re filming at a haunted location for “Unsolved”.

Hennessy (with a fake gasp of enthusiasm): The Opera Ghost?!

You (after a beat): …yes, Hennessy. [You address the camera.] Spoiler alert: we’re filming at the Paris Opera House. And the Phaaaaantom of the Opera is gonna swiiiing from the chandeli-heeeere…

Hennessy (vaguely singing): From the chandeli-heeeeeere…

You (continuing): And then he’s gonna drop it on my head and body.

Hennessy: Which Phantom, out of curiosity?

You: Um…

Hennessy: William Finley Phantom?

You: I said the Paris Opera House, not the Paradise nightclub-slash-concert hall.

Hennessy: My bad.

You: Besides, Winslow Leach would hurl a neon lightning bolt at me, not a chandeli-heeere.

Hennessy: True.

You: With my luck, I’m gonna be murked by Gerard Butler Phantom.

Hennessy: “Z-grade Tom Waits impersonator” Gerard Butler?

[You both laugh. The text “Thank you Lindsay Ellis” flashes across the screen for a second.]

Hennessy: Could be Ramin Karimloo Phantom, provided he heard us talking shit about him earlier.

You: And then Ryan and Shane avenge my death, and as Ramin Phantom’s dying, his last words—

Hennessy: He does the finger-chin-tilt thing to one of them…you know, the thing where he reaches out and tilts someone’s chin up with a finger to make them look at him and it makes the ladies swoon?

You: Yeah, and then his last words are—(putting on a choked dying-y voice)—“My one…regret…was…the ‘Anastasia’ musical.”

[You thud your head on the table as though dead.]

Hennessy: “Love Never Dies”, though.

You (instantly lifting your head up): Oh GOD, you’re RIGHT, that WOULD be the bigger regret.

Hennessy: “Love Never Dies” has precisely one-and-a-third good songs in it and he didn’t get to sing any of them.

You: Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth.

[Camera cuts.]

Hennessy: Can I do my Ramin Karimloo as the Phantom impression for the viewers?

You: Go for it.

[Hennessy reaches out towards the camera and contorts her face into overdramatic even for stage acting facial expressions.]

Hennessy (in the emo-iest scream she can muster): GO NOW AND LEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[She keels over on to the table laughing, as you grant her a modest slow clap as you laugh.]

You: Bravi, bravi, bravissimi.

Hennessy: To quote one Lindsay Ellis, “He just has a lot of feelings, okay, you guys?”

You: You know, if you turn down Ramin’s microphone in that scene, VERY faintly underneath the orchestra, you can hear an oh so familiar—(in your best Simple Plan whine)—“HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I MADE MY MISTAKES.”

[Hennessy laughs harder.]

You (continuing): GOT NOWHERE TO RUN. THE NIGHT GOES ON AS I’M FADING AWAY.

Hennessy: Now I want Ramin singing THAT.

[Your moment of emo gives way to more laughter.]

You: Oh god… Simple Plan in Ramin’s rich, dramatic baritone…

Hennessy: He’s gonna fuckin’ kill us if he ever sees this video.

You: If he’s bothered by two non-famous people giving him shit, he’s got some priorities to sort out.

[Camera cuts.]

You: So, all unrelated tangents aside…this was a fun game.

Hennessy: Thanks for indulging me.

You: We’ll have to do something similar again some time.

Hennessy: Next time it should be you.

You: …I’m not getting drunk.

Hennessy: No, like, guessing shit based off of vague clues.

You: Ohhhhh.

Hennessy: Can’t be movie composers, though…what would it be…

You: …I dunno…Broadway actors?

[Text screen: SPEED ROUND BONUS GAME.]

[Next text screen: MY (tipsy) SISTER QUIZZES ME ON BROADWAY ACTORS.]

[Back to you and Hennessy. Hennessy’s now holding a stack of index cards, and you’re looking straight into the camera.]

You: No explanations, only answers, ready set GO.

[For all these rounds, Hennessy sets every index card down with an audible slap once she’s done with it. And each time, there is very little pause between Hennessy’s clue and your answer.]

Hennessy: Best Tony acceptance speeches written by a prose poet.

You: Mark Rylance.

Hennessy: Best Tony acceptance speech PERIOD.

You: Mary Louise Wilson.

Hennessy: Got the tchotchke.

You: Julie White.

Hennessy: Able to hit notes written as a joke.

You: Lucas Steele.

Hennessy: Mark me down as scared AND horny.

You: Grace McLean.

Hennessy: Should’ve won a Tony for “Fun Home”.

You: Beth Malone.

Hennessy: Won Beth Malone’s Tony for “Fun Home”.

You: Kelli O’Hara.

Hennessy: Vibrato.

You: Laura Benanti.

Hennessy: Makes tapdancing look like the easiest thing in the world

You: Sutton Foster.

Hennessy: The internet thinks you want to be her.

You: Pippa Soo.

Hennessy: I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

You: Gelsey Bell.

Hennessy: Eat a bag of dicks.

You: Brittain Ashford.

Hennessy: Tiny, blonde, sometimes shrill.

You: Kristin Chenoweth.

Hennessy: Being intense.

You: Raul Esparza.

Hennessy: Always gets some big oversung power ballad.

You: Idina Menzel.

Hennessy: Always gets an amazing emotional number right before he dies. Also, bald.

You: Michael Cerveris.

Hennessy: She—

You: You could’ve just said “bald” for him.

Hennessy: I know, but I’m still right about the other thing.

You: True.

Hennessy: Anyway, she sings in a minor key to remember that we suffered.

You: Patti LuPone.

Hennessy (rapping): Not sure about God but I believe in—

You (without missing a beat): CHRIS JACKSON.

Hennessy: He keeps watching your videos and it freaks you out.

You: Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Hennessy (under her breath): And he’s probably watching this one.

You: Shut your face.

Hennessy: And finally, we just ragged on him a whooooooooooole bunch in this video.

You: Ramin Karimloo.

[Hennessy slams the last card, and her hand, down on the table.]

Hennessy (punctuated by the hand slam): BOOM! LIKE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE, BITCHES.

[Hennessy dabs.]

Hennessy: Am I doing the YouTube thing right?

You (covering your face): Oh my god…

Hennessy: Shut up.

[Text screen: I QUIZ MY (tipsy) SISTER ON FILM COMPOSERS]

[Next text screen: STARRING ME AND MY SISTER]

[Next-er text screen: MUSIC FEATURED: “END TITLES” FROM “LITTLE CHILDREN” (by Thomas Newman)]

[More next-er text screen: THIS SCREEN IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO PLAY MORE OF THE SONG BECAUSE IS PRETTY.]

[Even more next-er text screen: AND NOW, PART OF THE “INFINITE DESCENT” SCENE FROM “ANGELS IN AMERICA”.]

[Back to you and Hennessy. You’re mid-singing something as Hennessy does SOMETHING with her arms (kind of like she’s flying or hovering or something) while looking at the camera very dramatically.]

You (singing): Dies! Irae! Dies! Illa! Dominus vobiscum, dominus vobiscum!

Hennessy (in her American!Emma Thompson-iest voice): GREETINGS, PROPHET. THE GREAT WORK BEGINS. THE MESSENGER HAS ARRIVED.

You (back into song): Deo gratias, deo gratias!

[Hennessy joins you, singing alto to your soprano.]

Both: Deo gratias, deo gratias! Hallelujah, dominus vobiscum! Hallelujah, dominus vobiscum!

[As the two of you sing that last “Hallelujah” and the notes progressively get higher, your voice cracks and you break off, coughing, Hennessy laughing as you do.]

You: GOD, I wasn’t warmed up enough for that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


	7. What's the Word, Hummingbird?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER FREAKING INSTAGRAM CHAPTER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i promise, i'll stop neglecting this story/AU save for once a month!  
> also me: 'neglects this story for TWO months instead of ONE month'
> 
> I'M THE ACTUAL WORST.
> 
> this was another case of "i feel like this chapter is needed before the next one" but GOD was it hard to write for some reason...so...if it sucks, that's why.  
> i'm so sorry for uploading so infrequently, you guys...i know i say every chapter that i will try to be better about it, but i really will this time.
> 
> (title of chapter comes from "the telephone hour" from "bye bye birdie".)

[Pictured: You, facepalming, looking sort of like you’re covering half of your face with your hand.]

_2,981 likes_

**alilyforastamp** guys…you guys…i was being sarcastic…we’re not actually filming “unsolved” at the palais garnier/paris opera house. @devonjoralmon, @ryanbergara, @shanemadej, please back me up on this, they want me to bust out the ALW and i’m so over it…

_See all 974 comments_

**devonjoralmon** Not this season…sorry, guys.

**shanemadej** Don’t worry, folks. We’ll still get a ghostie to drop a chandelier on her head while she scream-sings the high notes.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej god help me, i will tie you down to the chair ludovico technique-style and force you to watch “phantom of the mall: eric’s revenge” until your eyeballs bleed.

**ryanbergara** …Phantom of the MALL?

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara yes. it exists. it’s exactly of the type of quality it sounds like it is.

***

[Video: You walking through your apartment, and some sort of clacking sound can be heard. You turn a corner and the camera focuses on Hennessy sitting at a keyboard, headphones on her head, playing something with GREAT fervor. All that can be heard is the clicking of the keys.]

_3,580 likes_

**alilyforastamp** always fun to see her giving a piece her all even when she’s practicing and i can’t hear what it is she’s practicing. (yes, i got her permission to post this.)

_See all 806 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** whatever it is, i bet it’s iconic.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang [insert inigo montoya quote here] [again] [for like the umpteenth time]

**saraerubin** if you had to venture a guess as to what’s she’s playing…

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin …i think it’s this one movement from a piano concerto by shostakovich. based on the tempo and the fact that she’s playing in octaves. not one hundred percent though. but it’s definitely not “cuphead”. :P

**ryanbergara** @alilyforastamp How the hell do you that? That’s kind of amazing, how you’re able to guess like that.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara if by “amazing” you mean “unbelievably nerdy”. :P

***

You to Eugene: soooooo i talked to higher-ups about what you asked me about…

Eugene to you: aaaaaaaaand?

You to Eugene: unfortunately, nope.

Eugene to you: but it wouldn’t even be YOU showing up in a video—just your sister!

You to Eugene: i know, i know. but because she’s technically affiliated with my channel, and i’m still at buzzfeed and y’all aren’t, they no like. so sadly, no video with her as a featured guest. (unless y’all can think of something that would involve trying to work with the orchestra she just happens to be a member of.)

Eugene to you: you could always quit. then this wouldn’t be a problem.

You to Eugene: you offering me a job?

Eugene to you: no; i’m just saying you COULD always quit.

You to Eugene: let’s see how filming my first season of supernatural for the BUN goes and then we’ll talk. (you know. if the ghosts don’t murk me.)

***

[Pictured: A screenshot of a YouTube comment; the name of the commenter has been scribbled out. The comment reads “would you ever consider getting an email address for your channel, so people can send in requests?”]

_1,045 likes_

**alilyforastamp** i think about it sometimes. but then that would just give @shanemadej another avenue through which to send me endless requests to cover something from the hotdaga. and i get enough of that from him on a daily basis as it is.

_See all 483 comments_

**shanemadej** I’m just sayin’, the Doctor Goondis rap is on a par with, if not surpassing a par of, Hamilton, and you’d perform it brilliantly.

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej i wouldn’t say it’s on a par. i’d say it’s below a par. SUB-par, if you will.

**ryanbergara** @shanemadej You sayin’ @alilyforastamp would blow my “performance” out of the water? (…actually @alilyforastamp, you absolutely would.)

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara. you’re very sweet. i’m still not fuckin singing it.

***

[Video: You and Dan in front of a green screen, in your medieval garb from the “The Song That Goes Like This” video. You’re reaching back and trying to loosen your corset to take it off, Dan giggling as you fumble and hop and wiggle to loosen the laces enough. Camera zooms and pans on your back as Dan can be heard saying, “Here, I’ll help” and his hands come into view to work at the laces. The camera picks up your “thank you” as it zooms back out to Dan tugging strategically to loosen the corset enough, and within several seconds, you’re able to lift it over your head with a happy sigh. “Sweet lady freedom!” you declare as you toss the corset off camera somewhere. “Let’s make out!” Dan laughs at your declaration as the camera cuts off.]

_2,857 likes_

**alilyforastamp** #tbt to filming “the song that goes like this” with @danny_avidan. (the corset was set on fire shortly after.)

_See all 503 comments_

**dangerousatanyspeed** I know that pain…RenFest flashbacks… XD

**alilyforastamp** @dangerousatanyspeed that high b at the end of the song? legit thought i was gonna pass out between that and the corset.

**shanemadej** “Sweet lady freedom, let’s make out?” What kinda weird proposition is that?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej quote from an old homestar runner cartoon. which, quite frankly, i’m surprised you’ve never watched, because it is RIGHT up your weird little alley.

**shanemadej** @alilyforastamp …not sure if I should be offended or not.

**danny_avidan** @shanemadej Take that as a compliment. Homestar Runner is a bastion of absurdist humor. (And from the little bits of the Hotdaga thing of yours @alilyforastamp has shown me, I concur—you’d love it.)

***

[Pictured: a screenshot of an Instagram message; the name of the sender has been scribbles out. the message reads, “Hi. So I know you don’t have an email for requests or fanmail or anything so I’m sorry if this is creepy but I didn’t feel comfortable posting it as a comment on a video. A couple of weeks ago, I woke up to find my soul mark gone. Not black, but completely gone from my body. I’ve been kind of numb ever since, just…wondering about my now-former soul mate, wondering why they gave up on me. And…I don’t know, your songs have always made me feel things, so…if you’re able to, could I request a song from you? I don’t have on in mind, but…I just kind of want to feel again. (If you can’t, that’s fine.) (I love your channel.)”]

_2,889 likes_

**alilyforastamp** i woke up to this message on a stormy saturday morning. grabbed my guitar and recording shit. dragged it all out to the balcony. recorded in the rain, thunder be damned. “landfill” by daughter. [link to video]

(to the sweet soul who sent me this message, i hope the numb gives way to feeling soon. if our paths ever cross, i intend to give you the biggest hug in the world.)

_See all 496 comments_

**jenrigatoni** this absolutely WRECKED me…the lyrics are brilliant but they HURT.

**saraerubin** i need to hug obi for a good long while.

**shanemadej** Can you go back to the weird musicals you like that are weird and stop making me feel things?

**adambianchi** i weep thanks to the song, but also for your recording equipment and your guitar in the rain.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi umbrellas, my dude.

***

Ryan to you: Jesus Christ…your latest video…

Ryan to you: …you trying to throw hints at me?

You to Ryan: ?

Ryan to you: Because I want to get rid of my soul mark. Making me think about what my soulmate will be going through if I do that.

You to Ryan: …you know, that WASN’T my intention in fulfilling the request of someone going through some shit, but now that you mention it…

Ryan to you: Come on, dude. Don’t make me feel guilty over it. Well…guiltier than I already do.

You to Ryan: so you’re for sure going through with it?

Ryan to you: Broached the subject with my doctor. Doesn’t recommend it, told me about risks that go with it. But I left with the name and number of a soul mark removal specialist.

You to Ryan: yeah, well…guess who’s gonna spam you with “landfill” if you do?

Ryan to you: Please don’t, it broke my heart enough seeing you cry already in the video.

You to Ryan: those were raindrops, you big-hearted idiot.

You to Ryan: but also, please do think about your soulmate, and how much that might break them. or how much you could regret it in the future.

Ryan to you: Can’t promise that thinking about it will do much to change my mind…but I will think about those things. That I can promise you.

***

[Video: Audio starts in the middle of Hennessy singing something while she’s driving, and it’s clear she’s hamming it up from the first few seconds. Some lyrics can eventually be made out: “We seize the day, we turned the tide, we touched the stars, we mocked the grave! We moved into uncharted laaaaaaaands…Fortune faaaaaavors the braaaaaaaave…the more we find, the more we see, the more we come to learrrrrrrn…” Hennessy’s voice is kinda growly, her pronunciation of vowels…unique. She plays to the camera sometimes, singing and gesturing empathically. Throughout, you can be heard laughing very hard, the camera panning over at one point to show you slumped down in the passenger seat, you’re laughing so hard.]

_3,026 likes_

**alilyforastamp** i die laughing every time she does this. this and her dave matthews impression.

_See all 994 comments_

**danny_avidan** …okay but that song appears to rock hardcore.

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan it’s called “fortune favors the brave” from the musical “aida”. hennessy is fascinated with the way adam pascal sings this song/the way he pronounces his vowels. so one of her goals in life is to perfect her adam pascal impression by way of this song.

**eugeneleeyang** can you two PLEASE come to karaoke with us?

***

[Pictured: You with slightly shorter hair, about the length it was after you first chopped it all off.]

_1,482 likes_

**alilyforastamp** this short hair look is growing on me…

_See all 837 comments_

**danny_avidan** So much sass going on in this post, where to start, your hair or your comment…they are both so very equal in their sass…

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan well, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle sassy…

**shanemadej** Hair? Great! Pun? Sucks!

**ryanbergara** @shanemadej Seem to recall you snorting over it. (For the record, @alilyforastamp, I think both are great.)

***

[Video: You sitting in (presumably) your bedroom. You say, “I call my approach to the paranormal the Aaron Burr approach. By that, I mean that if there’s preternatural chicanery afoot, I wanna be in the room where it happens, the room where it happens, the room where it happens.” A very short pause before you hum the brass hook from the “Hamilton” song in question before giving the camera a little cheeky smile as the video ends.]

_2,945 likes_

**alilyforastamp** have seen some people in the comments if vids asking if i’m a boogara or a shaniac, or somewhere inbetween. here’s my answer to that. #clickboom

_See all 992 comments_

**adambianchi** “pardon me, are you aaron burr, sir?” —you, at a haunt, when a light flickers or something makes a sound.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi yeah, probably.

**shanemadej** ‘sends this to Lin-Manuel Miranda out of spite’

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej DON’T YOU DARE @saraerubin @ryanbergara CONTROL YOUR SOULMATE

**ryanbergara** @shanemadej Dude, come on, don’t send it to him. …someone else probably already has.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara how dare.

**saraerubin** @ryanbergara unless he has a secret instagram and follows her already.

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin @ryanbergara HOW. DARE. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH BETRAYAL.

***

[Pictured: a computer screen, displaying a playlist. Not every song can be seen, but some of the names of songs, artists, and album titles can be made out. The list appears to be nothing but “In the Woods Somewhere” by Hozier over and over.]

_1,773 likes_

**alilyforastamp** working on my road trip playlist for filming my first season of buzzfeed unsolved supernatural. think i’m nailing it so far. :D

_See all 894 comments_

**theteegeman** ‘thumbs up’

**shanemadej** You, uh…you gonna throw any variance in there?

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej good idea! ‘adds a live recording of “in the woods somewhere” to the playlist’

**ryanbergara** @alilyforastamp @shanemadej Perfect.

***

Dan to you: Hey, so…you’re about to get a phone call from a number you probably won’t recognize. Just giving you a heads-up, it’s Audrey with a Very Important Request, so please answer.

You to Dan: actually about to go into a meeting in a few minutes, so…can she call me in, like, an hour? don’t want to disappoint her by not answering.

Dan to you: I’ve relayed the message. She says “okey-dokey”.

You to Dan: thanks much. i’ll text you when i’m out of the meeting (just in case it runs short).

***

[Pictured: A very-close-up blurry selfie of you and Audrey, From what can be made out, she is smiling and you’re laughing.]

_1,169 likes_

**alilyforastamp** YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

(picture and caption courtesy of @bwecht’s daughter, audrey)

_See all 798 comments_

**ryanbergara** Oh, THAT’S who you were Facetiming with after that meeting. I was wondering who you were talking to so animatedly.

**adambianchi** she’s hired. and you are forgiven for skipping out on milkshake night with @thedessertsnob and me.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi could you turn down an invitation to dinner from this face? (i’m sorry; @thedessertsnob, i beg forgiveness.)

***

[Video: You and Audrey sitting at a table. You ask her, “Hey, Audrey, are ghosts real?” Audrey replies, “Yeah,” giving the camera a bright smile. You ask her, “What sound do ghosts make?” She leans in close to the camera and give it an enthusiastic “BOOOOOO!” Your eyes widen in shock at the volume of the “Boo”, but follow it up with, “My friend Shane doesn’t think ghosts are real.” Audrey looks at you with a blank expression and says, “That’s silly” in a flat tone. Then she looks back at the camera with a very serious expression and says, “You’re silly. You’re a very silly man and I’m worried about you.” From behind the camera, Dan can be heard giggling, and you inform Audrey, “Yes, he’s a very silly man” as you also laugh.]

_2,347 likes_

**alilyforastamp** well, that settles that, @ryanbergara and @shanemadej. (you should believe her; her father has a ph.d.)

_See all 738 comments_

**shanemadej** Aw…cute. Both the small child and her misguided beliefs.

**bwecht** @shanemadej You callin’ my daughter a liar, Madej?

**danny_avidan** @shanemadej Now now, @bwecht, maybe she was just calling ME silly. I mean, I WAS the one filming the video.

**ryanbergara** @danny_avidan While your hair and thumbs are indeed silly, I’m inclined to side with Audrey in her belief that ghosts are real and that @shanemadej is silly. (He’s my soulmate; I would know and can confirm as much.)

**saraerubin** i’m not even mad that my soulmate got roasted by a small adorable child, that was PRECIOUS. :D

**devonjoralmon** Favorite episode of #roastmortem XD

***

[Pictured: You holding up a rather large eyeshadow palette. Audrey is pointing at a color.]

_1,362 likes_

**alilyforastamp** audrey’s giving me a makeover and choosing all my makeup for me. she’s gonna make me “the prettiest princess” (her words, not mine).

_See all 802 comments_

**saraerubin** I DEMAND BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES.

**jenrigatoni** but you’re already the prettiest princess.

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni well, now i’m gonna be prettiest-er.

***

[Video: Dan stands close to a sitting you; your eyes are closed as he slowly and carefully applies eyeliner to your eyelids. The camera zooms in a little as Dan can be heard whispering “I’m shaking so bad…” You giggle a little but try to hold still as Dan works. “Audrey, am I pretty yet?” you ask after a moment. From off camera, Audrey yells “NO!” You toss your head back and laugh as Dan half-groans, half-giggles. “I’m trying my best, Audrey!”, he cries. This is soon followed by Audrey yelling “TRY HARDER!”]

_2,762 likes_

**alilyforastamp** when i find myself in times of trouble, ninja audrey comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: TRY HARDER.

(makeover’s going great, you guys.)

_See all 473 comments_

**adambianchi** that’s my favorite song by the monkees.

**danny_avidan** I’m honestly amazed and grateful that I didn’t end up poking your eye out with an eyeliner pencil.

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan same, my dude. i need those to see.

**ryanbergara** Kinda curious as to why he needed to apply your eyeliner for you…

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara because, according to audrey, “it’ll be funnier this way.”

**ryanbergara** @alilyforastamp …you know what, I can’t argue with that logic.

***

[Pictured: You with your face be-makeup-ed. Pretty much every color is on your face, and most of them on the parts of the face where they shouldn’t be.]

_3,002 likes_

**alilyforastamp** AM I THE PRETTIEST-ER-EST PRINCESS? (makeup design by audrey; handiwork courtesy of @danny_avidan.)

_See all 743 comments_

**adambianchi** you’re definitely something, all right.

**jenrigatoni** i mean, i’m gonna think you’re pretty no matter what.

**saraerubin** loving the artistry and color choices. very creative. audrey’s definitely got a future in art of some sort. and dan’s interpretation of her vision is something to behold. :)

**shanemadej** It’s like a rainbow threw up on your face.

***

[Pictured: A selfie of you, lying on a couch, one hand resting against your forehead in a “woe is me!” fashion. Your eyes are evidently supposed to be closed, but you’ve got one open as you look at the camera, evidently trying to keep a straight face.]

_1,435 likes_

**alilyforastamp** shh, no one tell the not-very-wicked witch that snow white snuck a selfie when she’s supposed to be in a somewhat-apple-induced slumber! the spell hasn’t been broken yet!

_See all 826 comments_

**adambianchi** “somewhat-apple-induced?”

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi the not-so-wicked witch gave snow white what was thought to be strawberry applesauce, but really it was MIXED BERRY APPLESAUCE. the mix of the berries was too much for snow white’s delicate palate and it overwhelmed her into a deep sleep. (audrey has some interesting and not unwelcome embellishments to the fairy tale.)

**jenrigatoni** NOOOOO how ever will the spell be broken?!

**danny_avidan** @jenrigatoni The fair-est-er-est-est maiden was awoken by a gentle yet romantic fistbump from a not-as-fair-er-est prince. Because, quoth the not-so-wicked witch, “kissing is gross”.

***

[Video: You’re holding a piece of paper with what looks like a list written on it. You’re sitting in front of Audrey, who’s sitting on Brian’s lap. She closes her eyes before covering them with a hand and pointing at the paper. “Okay, you got one, Audrey,” Brian says, prompting Audrey to uncover and open her eyes. As she peers closer at the paper, you ask, “Which one did you land on, Audrey?” Brian whispers into her ear, having also read whatever Audrey had pointed at. Audrey tilts her head up and heartily bellows “BUUUUUUUUUUURN!” Brian’s face is half astonishment, half amusement, and your eyes are wide as you laugh a little. The camera is shaking thanks to the laughter of the person filming as you say “Okay then!” and high-five Audrey.]

_1,999 likes_

**alilyforastamp** …so “burn” is gonna be the next song i do for my channel. thank you, audrey, for assisting me in choosing. thank you, @bwecht, for allowing me to exploit your daughter for comedy for these past few instagram posts.

_See all 537 comments_

**bwecht** I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t.

**adambianchi** hurrah, more lin fodder is on the way.

**alilyforastamp** @adambianchi NOT YOU TOO, BIANCHI.

**saraerubin** how many songs were on that list to choose from?

**alilyforastamp** @saraerubin a good number. definitely not all that i’ve seen in the comments, though (i’ve missed some, or i know it’s beyond my range/abilities, or they’re joke requests, etc.)

**jenrigatoni** HA. but also, YES.

***

Eugene to you: soooo some of us are going to karaoke tonight. i cordially extend an invitation to you and your iconic sister.

Eugene to you: [link to karaoke bar]

You to Eugene: unfortunately, hennessy and i must decline.

Eugene to you: boo.

You to Eugene: because unsolved fam is already going to karaoke tonight. guess where.

You to Eugene: [link to same karaoke bar]

Eugene to you: XD that’s amazing.

You to Eugene: finally, hennessy will have a chance to meet the idiot who keeps calling her an icon, thereby misusing the word to a gross extent. (her words, not mine.) (…okay, maybe some of mine.)

Eugene to you: well, i’ll see you later…apparently. and i’ll try to act appropriately pleasantly surprised when our paths cross.

You to Eugene: same, dude.

***

[Pictured: A group of people crowded around a table; a microphone and television can be seen in the background. The group consists of you, Ryan, Devon, TJ, Shane, and Sara. Peeking in from the bottom right hand corner is Hennessy, who’s clearly taking the picture.]

_2,531 likes_

**alilyforastamp** this week on buzzfeed unsolved, we investigate a local karaoke bar as part of our ongoing investigation into the question: is karaoke real?

_See all 999 comments_

**shanemadej** ‘bobs head in time to the music’

**ryanbergara** Wait until the spirit box gets a chance at the mic.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara can’t wait for the spirit box to catch a ghost at the mic absolutely KILLING it at a cover of “ghost in the machine” by b.o.b.

**ryanbergara** (fun fact: @alilyforastamp had to look up popular songs about ghosts before making this comment because, according to her, “ghostbusters” was too obvious.)

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara STOP CALLING ME OUT LIKE THIS BERGARA

***

[Pictured: You and Hennessy, Eugene between the two of you, and Ned and Ariel peeping into frame as best they can.]

_2,013 likes_

**alilyforastamp** GUESS WHO WE RAN INTO AT THE SAME KARAOKE BAR INCOMING UNSOLVED/TRY GUYS CROSSOVER UP IN THIS BITCH

_See all 881 comments_

**shanemadej** Bring it on, @eugeneleeyang and @nedfulmer. @ryanbergara and i will out-duet the FUCK outta you.

**ryanbergara** @shanemadej Actually, @alilyforastamp and Hennessy will probably outdo all four of us.

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara quoth hennessy, daaaaaaaaamn straight.

***

[Pictured: Eugene and Hennessy, sitting across from each other at a table, staring each other down as they lift shot glasses to their mouths. From the side, you’re peeking into frame, giving the camera a concerned wince. In the background, TJ can be seen holding a microphone and singing passionately into it.]

_1,012 likes_

**alilyforastamp** no matter who wins, i lose. @eugeneleeyang

_See all 421 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** she’s the one who wants to drink me under the table, i merely accepted the challenge.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang yes yes, you have a new drinking buddy, mazel tov, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE HER HOME AND DEAL WITH THE HANGOVER IN THE MORNING.

**theteegeman** I look great in this photo, btw.

***

[Pictured: You, singing to a sitting Ariel, reaching out to take her hand as you sing into a microphone. You’ve got a sultry “come-hither” look in your eye, and Ariel seems equal parts flustered and into it. In the background, Sara, Devon, Shane, and Eugene can be seen laughing or cheering, while Ned looks disgruntled. Ryan’s holding up a phone, apparently filming or taking a picture, his eyes on you rather than the phone.]

_1,893 likes_

**alilyforastamp** hey @nedfulmer, which was more rude, @eugeneleeyang lapdancing the shit out of your wife, or me serenading the shit out of your wife? (thank you, @arielmfulmer, for being the sportiest of sports.)

_See all 700 comments_

**nedfulmer** so rude.

**arielmfulmer** It was very fun and very flattering. I’m blushing at the memory. Thank you. :)

**alilyforastamp** @arielmfulmer oh, how she blushes, how she blushes, my pretty… :3

**nedfulmer** @alilyforastamp @arielmfulmer SO. RUDE.

**jenrigatoni** i am beyond jealous and i also demand video.

**ryanbergara** @jenrigatoni Got you covered.

***

[Pictured: Hennessy singing with the microphone in her hand, standing behind Ned and holding one of his shoulders as he covers his face with his hands. Eugene seems to be gyrating in Ned’s direction, directly in front of him. Ariel’s cackling in the background, as are several other people in the party.]

_2,352 likes_

**alilyforastamp** to restore the natural balance of things, hennessy serenaded the shit out of @nedfulmer while @eugeneleeyang lapdanced the shit out of him.

_See all 832 comments_

**nedfulmer** I hate literally everyone except for Ariel and my child right now.

**arielmfulmer** This was absolutely glorious. XD

**korndiddy** um, i need video YESTERDAY please and thank you.

**keithhabs** @korndiddy seconded.

**alilyforastamp** @korndiddy @keithhabs got ya covered.

**shanemadej** I want it known that the song in question was “You’re the Inspiration” by Chicago. I’ve never seen @saraerubin laugh that hard EVER.

**eugeneleeyang** @shanemadej you can lapdance to any song if you set your mind to it.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang hennessy a: wants that printed on a t-shirt and b: dares you to lapdance someone the next time she has a concert.

***

Ryan to you: Hey. How’s Hennessy’s hangover?

You to Ryan: there’ve been worse. how about yours?

Ryan to you: Present, but I’ll live.

You to Ryan: meanwhile, my head feels GREAT. ‘sips tea’

Ryan to you: Yeah yeah, you and your designated driver-ness…

Ryan to you: Anyway, did the video send okay last night?

You to Ryan: yeah, thanks. didn’t know you’d been filming “charming”. might see if i can put it up on my channel one day.

Ryan to you: You should. That was…holy shit.

You to Ryan: flatterer. (amber gray is way better.)

Ryan to you: You know me; I’m always going to be slightly biased towards you.

You to Ryan: stahp.

Ryan to you: Okay okay.

Ryan to you: …also, forgot to tell you, but I’m going to be in late on Monday.

You to Ryan: your hangover can’t be THAT bad.

Ryan to you: No, I have a doctor’s appointment.

You to Ryan: didn’t you just have a doctor’s appointment?

Ryan to you: Different doctor. New doctor.

You to Ryan: …ah. …if i may venture a guess, soul mark removal specialist?

Ryan to you: …you’re good at guessing.

You to Ryan: so…you remain undeterred. you really want this.

Ryan to you: Yes, I do.

You to Ryan: you know there aren’t risks for just you: it could also fuck up your soulmate, too.

Ryan to you: Come on, I’m already getting enough of this from everyone else who knows.

You to Ryan: yeah. because it’s not a thing people do on the reg, and it’s not something that should be done lightly.

Ryan to you: I know this. I’ve thought about it, believe me. Both sides of it.

You to Ryan: and you still want to go through with it? nothing would stop you?

You to Ryan: if your soulmate walked through the room tomorrow…if you found them…that wouldn’t change your mind?

Ryan to you: …honestly, unless it was a family member, which...I’m pretty sure I’d know by now if that was the case…no, I don’t think it would.

Ryan to you: The more I think about it, the more I just…don’t want a goddamned birthmark to dictate who I should fall in love with. And…maybe I have feelings for someone already, and I want to see if that could pan out, and I don’t want that interrupted by a chance meeting with someone else.

Ryan to you: It’s selfish, I know. I’m not a good person, I know. But it’s how I feel, and how I have felt for a long time.

You to Ryan: …

Ryan to you: …please say something.

You to Ryan: what CAN i say? you’ve made your point very clear.

You to Ryan: i have to go. adam’s helping me film and then we’re getting milkshakes. will be busy the rest of the day so don’t bother following up, i probably won’t answer.

***

[Pictured: You, holding up a piece of paper that’s on fire. Your face is mostly covered by the paper and the fire. There is something written on the paper that’s being eaten by the flame; from what can be made out, the handwritten text is most likely “Best of wives, best of women”.]

_2,997 likes_

**alilyforastamp** you forfeit all rights to my heart…

“burn” from “hamilton”. [link to video]

(so for some reason, i’ve gotten more requests for this song than for any other song.) (also, fun fact: i did burn my fingertips immediately following the taking of this picture.)

(special thanks to @adambianchi for helping me film and danny_avidan’s handwriting for appearing in this picture. #husbandcontinuity ) (also, because he’s probably reading this and probably watched the video, hi, lin. sorry.)

_See all 979 comments_

**eugeneleeyang** lin, if you’re reading this, put this woman in your next musical. or the hamilton movie.

**alilyforastamp** @eugeneleeyang YOU SHUT YOUR FACE

**jenrigatoni** who made you cry, i saw tears when you were singing that song, DO I NEED TO USE MY KNIFE (you were wonderful, per usual, my dear)

**alilyforastamp** @jenrigatoni no one made me cry; those were acting-y tears, withdraw your knife and quell your blood rage. (thank you, my dear)

**ryanbergara** This one hurt to watch. Brilliant, but…ugh. Remind me to never hurt you like this.

**danny_avidan** Nooooooo that took seconds to write! :P  #bestoffakewives #bestofrealwomen

**alilyforastamp** @danny_avidan you’re welcome to burn something of mine or…i dunno, say something unflattering about me in a grump episode or something. :P

***

[Pictured: You sitting at your desk, raising a Starbucks cup to your lips. You and the camera are turned to show Shane sitting near you, a similar Starbucks cup in his hand, and Ryan peering over your shoulder and smiling at the camera.]

_1,115 likes_

**alilyforastamp** when @ryanbergara comes unto work late and apologizes for it by bringing everyone caffeine. #thetea #itisgood #thecoffee #itisalsopresent

_See all 556 comments_

**dangerousatanyspeed** Aw! That’s so sweet!

**devonjoralmon** thanks @ryanbergara :D

**ryanbergara** Does this peace offering absolve me of all my past transgressions?

**alilyforastamp** @ryanbergara hmm…it might…

***

[Pictured: You and Hennessy with open-mouthed smiles, holding up the soundtrack to “Rock of Ages”.]

_1,012 likes_

**alilyforastamp** ONE WEEK UNTIL ROCK OF AGES WE ARE SO HYPE

(have i mentioned my sister is the best for getting us tickets? because my sister is the best for getting us tickets.)

_See all 552 comments_

**shanemadej** Dear god…why did I watch that movie…why didn’t I listen to you…

**alilyforastamp** @shanemadej I TOLD YOU YOU BIG SQUATCH DUMMY THE MOVIE IS GARBAGE AND A HALF

**danny_avidan** I still have no complete idea what “rock of ages” the musical is, and I’m still insanely jealous.

***

You to Dan: hey.

Dan to you: Hey!

You to Dan: so…i’m on the way to the airport.

Dan to you: Cool? You guys filming already?

You to Dan: no, taking hennessy. she got a call late last night from an old college friend. needs her to stop in for a concert that’s…’checks calendar’ tonight and the rest of the weekend.

Dan to you: Holy Shit, WHAT? THAT late of notice?

You to Dan: their pianist broke their hand or something, i don’t know. but it’s a piece my sister’s done before, and done before well. so…this particular conductor wants hennessy to step in, despite the fact that there won’t even be time for a rehearsal beforehand.

Dan to you: That’s INSANE.

You to Dan: i know, but the orchestra’s a bit of a bigger deal than the orchestra here, so it’s a great opportunity for her.

Dan to you: Jeez. I mean good for her, but WOW.

You to Dan: so…there’s a point to me telling you this.

Dan to you: Oh. I mean, there doesn’t have to be, I figured you were just telling me about how awesome your sister is.

You to Dan: yeah, well, stepping in for the concert means she’s missing “rock of ages”.

Dan to you: Noooooooo.

You to Dan: i know, she’s simultaneously completely on board to step in and bummed that she’s missing the show.

Dan to you: I can imagine.

You to Dan: but anyway, because i have an extra ticket now, i was wondering if you wanted to come. i’ve said before that it’s right up your alley, and i do think you’ll really get a kick out of it. (or possibly hate it, either way, it’ll be hella entertaining for me regardless.)

Dan to you: Really?

You to Dan: yeah!

Dan to you: Am I allowed to wear a Rush t-shirt?

You to Dan: you are ENCOURAGED to wear a rush t-shirt.

Dan to you: Sure! I can’t wait! Thanks for inviting me!

You to Dan: no problem. i’ll send you details in a bit.

Dan to you: Awesome.

You to Dan: and DON’T WATCH THE MOVIE BEFOREHAND IT SUCKS.

Dan to you: I won’t, I promise. XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated. scoldings deserved.
> 
> (also next chapter of this part of AU will be last chapter of this part of AU.) (then it's back to long-ass oneshots.) (probably.)


	8. Satisfy Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rock of ages, cleft for me...
> 
> (wait, wrong "rock of ages")

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. i'm finishing this part of the AU, happy birthday to me. :P
> 
> my birthday present to myself and also to you. maybe. (it's always better in my head than it ends up written down...)
> 
> (title of chapter comes from the song "if you want me" from "once".)

You have to leave work that Thursday morning to pick up Hennessy and take her to the airport. Like…ten minutes after you come into work, that’s when Hennessy texts you.

Between work to home, then home to airport, then airport back to work (with a brief stop at Starbucks for lunch for you and caffeine for everyone else), pretty much half your workday is spent in the car. Then traffic reaches a complete standstill. And then the REST of your workday is spent in the car.

At some point, you start voice texting your progress to…pretty much anyone at work who will tolerate it. And apologizing for this unexpected absence. Then apologizing for apologizing so much.

(You also send enough rambly voice texts to Dan that he expresses worry that you’re about to start going on and on about Jesse Eisenberg/Mark Zuckerberg. You laugh so hard you cry. And voice text said laughter to him.)

When the traffic is still enough, you manage a couple of video messages.

“I’m not a religious woman…but if Hell exists…” You pan the camera to the mass of cars in front of and around you. “…can’t imagine it’s much different from this.”

The one that makes Ryan and Shane laugh the hardest (per their responses) is the one where your voice is the absolute deadest.

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we look into what drove our crew member slowly insane. Was it the traffic? Yes, it was. Holy shit, we solved a thing, go us, Buzzfeed Solved.” Followed by humming the outro.

With reassurance that it’s okay that you ended up being away from work all day, you FINALLY manage to get home and basically collapse into your bed.

You text Hennessy, asking how the concert went. Surprisingly well, even though she’s still shaking from nerves. But the rest of the concerts should go better.

You text the work group again.

_if i’m not in tomorrow, it’s simply because the thought of getting into my car again put me in the fetal position. …but i will be in tomorrow, don’t worry._

Then you text Dan.

_so, i know the show is tomorrow and we should probably work out details for that tonight. but can we do that tomorrow? because it’s a miracle i can remember my own name and type this message at this point._

Dan’s response:

**At the very least, I can drive tomorrow, since you did a plethora of driving today.**

_bless. if you want to also put together a bitchin’ playlist of songs for the drive there to get us hype, you’re more than welcome to do that._

**Bold of you to assume that I didn’t already do that. :P**

***

When you get into work next day (via Lyft), there are three different cups of Starbucks at your desk, with varying notes stating that you probably need it after the yesterday you had. So between those and the cup you’d already walked in with, you have four cups of tea to get through. (Sara helps.) (So does Devon.)

The day goes by fairly normally otherwise, picking up on the video you’d been working on yesterday (well…two days ago). Off and on, you text Dan with more details for the show tonight, work out somewhere to grab dinner beforehand (there are normally a few food trucks nearby), where he should park to pick you up, if Rush is the most appropriate concert T-shirt to wear or if he should go with a different band more befitting the show.

Most everyone steps away for a proper lunch break, but you eat something while working at your desk, to play catchup from yesterday. You hear someone come back, so then it’s the two of you, but you focus on work.

Just as you’re finishing up the last things on your current video, an email notification from Ryan pops up, a plea for help in the subject line. You frown, open the email, and click open the files in question. As you do, Ryan walks over, explaining the problem in more detail.

After a few moments, you see what he’s talking about.

“This right here…” Ryan leans over your shoulder to point at the problem area on the screen. “This has me stumped. I mean…it’s definitely happened to me before, but it’s been a while so I can’t remember how to fix it.”

“Yeah…” You click around through the menus, look down to type something.

“Think you got it?” he asks.

“Yep…” It must be the overabundance of caffeine getting to you, because the next thing out of your mouth is, “…if you got a problem, yo, I’ll solve it, check out my beat while the DJ revolves it.”

You hear Ryan wheeze, leaning on the back of your chair and ducking his head, almost into your shoulder.

“Did you just misquote Vanilla Ice at me?” he laughs.

“Yeah, well, you’re apparently familiar with the song enough to know I’m misquoting it, so…”

That shuts Ryan up.

“Anyway, the next time something like this happens…”

You get back to fixing whatever fucked itself up in Ryan’s files and how you’ve generally fixed it, clicking through each step slowly.

“Okay…yeah, it’s coming back to me,” Ryan says, nodding.

“Think you got it for next time?” you ask, glancing back at him for a moment while you continue to work.

“Definitely.”

“Cool. I’ll have this back to you in a few minutes.”

“You’re a lifesaver,” Ryan says, squeezing your shoulder. “Thank you.”

You’re engrossed enough in the work that you don’t really notice the quick, soft touch to the back of your head at first. But after about five seconds, you stop clicking your mouse and think…wait…did he just…

You look over at Ryan. He’s equally a bit frozen.

“Did you just—?”

“Yeah, um…” He’s equally at a loss for words. “I…sorry, I don’t…didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay.”

A long, awkward beat follows.

“…so yeah, I’ll just finish this up for you.”

“Yeah. Cool. Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

He sits back at his desk, You turn back to your computer screen. Shane comes back from lunch. The afternoon passes.

And you try not to think about what impulse possessed Ryan to kiss the back of your head.

***

About an hour before the end of the day, you duck into the bathroom to change for the show. You’re not going all out with a costume or anything, but you hadn’t wanted to spend the entire day in an off-the-shoulder concert T-shirt. (You wonder if Dan will give you any shit for “ruining” a perfectly good concert tee, but whatever.)

After a quick application of some period-appropriate eye makeup and a quick tousle of your hair, you head back to your desk.

“Um, hi, Pat Benatar,” Shane greets as you settle back into your desk, prompting Ryan to look up at you, his eyebrows raising with a “Whoa” at your change of clothing.

“Don’t make me shoulder-dance you to death a la the ‘Love is a Battlefield’ music video,” you threaten, pointing your finger at Shane.

“…is it tacky to respond to that with ‘hit me with your best shot’?”

“Incredibly.” You drop your finger. “But anyway, ‘Rock of Ages’ is tonight, I’m gonna look the part.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you and Hennessy were excited for that,” Shane says, nodding.

“How’d the concert go last night?” Ryan asks. “I know you said Hennessy wouldn’t even have time to rehearse with the orchestra.”

“Went better than expected,” you say. “The rest of them can only get better from here.”

“Is she miffed that you’re still going to the show? Or that one ticket is going to waste? I can’t imagine those were cheap.”

You shrug.

“Haven’t brought it up. Neither has she.” You see your phone light up from out of the corner of your eye, and reach over for it.

“Is that her?” Shane asks. You ignore him and open your phone.

“No, it’s Dan,” you say as you type. “Needed a refresher for directions here.”

“…why?”

“Since Hennessy couldn’t go, I asked Dan if he wanted to.”

“Oh.”

You finish you text and look back up. Ryan and Shane are…weirdly quiet.

“What?” you ask.

“Nothing, nothing,” Shane says in that tone people use when it’s definitely not nothing.

“Dan’s into a lot of the genre of music that ‘Rock of Ages’ has, so I figured he’d be into it,” you explain. “Oh, and also, he’s my friend. My platonic friend. Just like Adam is my platonic friend and you guys are my platonic friends. So…can we not do the ‘it must be a date because guy and girl hanging out’ thing?”

There’s a bit too long of a pause before they both nod, muttering “Sorry”. You purse your lips before nodding and turning back to your computer.

About fifteen seconds of silence follows before Ryan says, “If he tries anything on you, though, I’ll go Goldsworth on his ass for you.”

“RYAN.”

“Okay, sorry.”

***

You peace out of the office pretty much as soon as Dan texts you to tell you he’s pulled up in front of the entrance y’all had arranged.

“Whoa, look at you!” Dan laughs as you settle into the car. “Loving the aesthetic.”

“Meh…it seemed only fitting for tonight.”

“If I were true to my usual concert-going fashion, I’d be wearing jeans with more holes in them,” Dan admits. You laugh.

“Yeah, well…you look perfectly acceptable for the theatre. Especially given which show we’re seeing.”

“Sweet. Let’s head out.”

As Dan shifts gears to pull away from the curb, he reaches over to turn on the audio system.

“Full disclosure: I was so tempted to troll the hell out of you with the hymn ‘Rock of Ages’,” Dan says before the music kicks in. “…at least, I’m pretty sure there’s a hymn called ‘Rock of Ages’ right?”

“Yes, there is,” you say, laughing at the admission as a guitar riff starts playing in the background. “Don’t worry, it’s boring as sin.”

“…correct me if I’m wrong, but sin isn’t all that boring.”

“Very true. Point is, that hymn is very fucking boring.”

Some of the songs in Dan’s mix, you recognize, and sing right along to. For nearly each song, Dan will share a little bit of random trivia about the song, why he chose it for the playlist, etc.

“I didn’t listen to the soundtrack beforehand,” he says at one point, “but I did look up the list of songs that are in the show, to avoid repeats of what we’re gonna hear tonight.”

“Musical only, or musical and movie? They have slightly different song lists.”

“…that hadn’t even occurred to me, I just assumed all the songs were the same.”

“That means you DIDN’T watch the movie or look into it in any fashion.” You reach over to ruffle his hair. “Good man.”

“Well, yeah, you said it was horrible, why would I do that to myself?” Dan says, giggling as he reaches up for your arm to push it away from his head.

Some more time passes on the way to the theatre; you both sing along to a couple more songs (Dan to more of them than you). At one point, the intro to “Africa” starts playing.

“…so how many of your own songs are on this playlist?” you ask.

“Uh, this is NOT me, thank you very much,” Dan says, signaling for an exit.

“I mean…that would be surreal as hell to sing along to your own cover, just sayin’. It would be hella weird.”

“I figured as long as I didn’t choose the Weezer cover, I was good.”

“Have you seen the otamatone cover?”

“…what, no, that sounds amazing.”

“I’ll show you after the show.”

You do take video of the both of you singing along to “Africa”. And even if it is Toto and not NSP, you still joke that it’s NSP.

After a few more turns down a few more streets, and after parking in a nearby ramp, the two of you stop at a line of food trucks a few blocks away from the theatre. It takes a thorough studying of each menu before you end up going with tacos.

Before the show, Dan spends a long time looking at all of the show merchandise on sale, debating whether he wants to get something or not. You bring up the offer to stop by again after the show, if he likes it enough to want to buy something. (Because as much as he’s bound to like the music, you’re still not entirely sure if he’ll be into the plot.)

“So…how much will people hate me if I end up singing along to something?” Dan asks as you take your seats in the theatre.

“Depends on if other people are singing along, I’m not sure,” you say with a shrug.

“…if I end up pissing people off with that, just…punch me in the arm or something.”

“Don’t think that’ll be necessary, but…I’ll just nudge you. Something less violent.”

Turns out, that’s not needed. Dan’s more or less totally invested in the show when it starts, and his reactions to songs are more a small noise of excitement (or, in some cases, smothered laughter when the song is played more for rule of comedy).

He does end up buying a shirt afterwards.

***

At some point during the drive home—when the playlist is still going strong and you and Dan are exchanging opinions about the show—it begins to rain. Hard. Even with the windshield wipers on the highest setting, visibility is not great.

“This is so fun,” Dan says in a manner to indicate that it is the exact opposite of fun.

“Wanna pull over and have me drive?” you ask.

“Nah, it’s okay.”

“You sure?”

“I mean…my night vision when driving is garbage anyways, so…rain doesn’t make much of a difference.” The rain picks up more, if it’s even possible at this point. “…I take that back, this is the worst.”

“I don’t mind, dude. Unless you just don’t trust me with your car or something.”

“I don’t trust MYSELF with my car, at this point.”

A flash of lightning blinks in the sky, followed by a crack of thunder so strong it seems to shake the car. It draws a series of expletives from the both of you.

“…okay, so…don’t take this the wrong way at all…” Dan begins, knuckles white on the steering wheel. “…but would you mind terribly if we just went back to my place?” He continues before you can answer. “I swear, I don’t mean that with any alternative meaning, I just—”

“That’s fine, Dan,” you interrupt. “I wouldn’t want to drive any more in this weather than I had to, so…I mean, if you don’t mind me crashing on your couch, it’s fine.”

“Cool.”

When he feels okay enough to do so, he looks over at you.

“Thanks for understanding.”

“No problem.”

A slight pause as a new song starts playing, more synth-y than anything so far, female vocals coming in.

“…is this the fucking song from ‘Night Trap’?” you ask after long enough into the song.

“It is,” Dan says, no trace of shame to his voice. There’s only about half a second of silence as the two of you exchange a look before you both burst into laughter.

You film a video for Instagram when the chorus kicks in, starting on Dan singing along to the chorus, then moving it over to you as you both belt out “You’ll have the time of YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!” Then back over to Dan as he declares, “I’m not having the time of my life driving in this weather, THAT’S for sure!”, and you end the video as you start cracking up.

Singing along to the songs helps make the drive less tense, even as the rain doesn’t let up. And very soon, Dan’s pulling into a parking spot at his apartment complex and sagging over the wheel with a sigh of relief.

“That SUCKED,” he declares, looking over at you. “The drive, not the show.”

“Gathered as much,” you say, patting him on the shoulder. “Need a hug?”

“I need a good cup of tea and a massage, I’m SO tense.”

“…okay, I’m not gonna do that, but you are getting a hug once we get out of the car.”

You end up half-hugging Dan as you walk with him, following him to wherever it is in the complex where he lives.

“So this is where I live,” Dan says as he flips the light switch in the front hallway. “Still have power, that’s always good.” He points in the direction of where everything is as he talks. “Bedroom’s down there, bathroom is next to it, uh…that’s the couch where I usually collapse and fall asleep after particularly grueling Grump sessions, and right there is the kitchen. Sorry about the mess. Didn’t expect company.”

“I mean…my room’s worse, dude, don’t even worry.”

“So, uh…” He scratches the back of his head. “…man, I so didn’t plan for this, um…”

“You said something about a good cup of tea. Should we do that?”

“…I don’t know about GOOD, but Suzy DID gift me some interesting-sounding tea blends a while back that I haven’t cracked open.”

So you crack them open. Well…two of them. Dan opts for a chocolate peppermint green rooibos tea. You are intrigued by a cranberry hibiscus blend.

“It’s taking me all of my willpower not to make a Doctor Hoffman joke right now,” you say as Dan fills the kettle with water. He laughs a little at your comment. “I don’t want to be ‘that person’ who just makes references to shit you’ve done in the past, I can only imagine how much of that you get.”

“I mean, it was saying a little ‘CRANBERRIES!’ in my head, anyway, so…”

“I’d say you’re welcome to take your revenge by referencing my channel but…I just do covers of songs from musicals, so…”

“Well, I could make Buzzfeed Unsolved references or something.”

“I suppose you could.”

The water in the kettle reaches the correct temperature, and Dan pours some into both of your mugs.

“Speaking of your channel, do you need a fake husband again for anything soon?” Dan asks. The two of you snort.

“Fans would LOVE that, wouldn’t they?” You’ve both seen the shipping in the comments. Even joked about it a little bit.

“Actually,” Dan adds, setting the kettle down, “Arin was joking the other day that if Finn ever came back to do Guest Grumps again or something, you should talk to him and then the three of us could do the sad songs from ‘Hamilton’ when Philip dies.”

“Oh god, can you imagine…?” You lean against the counter as you laugh. “I’d get SO MUCH HATE for killing the kid from ‘Stranger Things’!”

“I mean, it’s an idea, just throwing it out there!”

“Are you REALLY on board for having to cry in a thing?”

“Hey. I’ve acted. Didn’t you watch ‘Good Game’?”

“No, I didn’t, sorry.” You don’t sound sorry in the slightest. But Dan doesn’t seem to hold it against you.

“Still…let me know whenever you want to do a duet again,” Dan says, leaning against the counter. “I like singing with you.”

“I like singing with you, too. We sound good together. …at least, according to the comments section, we do. Although they use words like ‘lovely’ and shit.”

“I agree with them. About your voice, anyway, I’m not gonna brag about mine.”

When your tea seems finally cool enough to drink, you take a cautious sip, as Dan does with his own tea.

“Ooh!” Dan’s the first one to react to his tea. “That’s delightful! And…kinda weird!”

“Weird? How?”

“I don’t know, it tastes like hot chocolate with peppermint, so you expect it to be…like, thick and creamy, like real hot chocolate. But it’s tea, so…it’s not.”

“That a bad thing or a good thing?”

“It’s a fucking-with-my-brain thing, but I kinda love it.” 

You laugh around the rim of your mug as you take another sip.

“This is really nice, too,” you say. “Tart, but nice.” Dan nods.

“…may I try it?” Dan asks.

“Yeah, sure.”

As you turn more towards him, preparing to life your mug to offer it to him, you’re cut off by Dan reaching out to gently touch your face, leaning in to kiss you.

You don’t even really have time to blink or close your eyes before…after what is almost certainly a subtle sweep of his tongue against your lips, he’s pulling away.

“…you’re right, that is nice,” Dan says with a little smile. You blink up at him. He looks down, into the contents of his mug. “I should’ve asked before I did that. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…it’s okay.” A slight pause. Dan takes a longer gulp from his tea. You bite your lip as he continues to avoid your gaze. And you figure…fuck it.

“Can I try some of yours?” you ask.

“Yeah, of course.”

He looks up to put the mug in your hand. And it seems like he’s saying something when you press your lips to his. It’s about as long a kiss as he gave you, and there is a tinge of tea on your tongue when you pull away (after the same cheeky little swipe of the tongue he’d given you.)

“…that’s nice, too,” you say. The flavors of peppermint and chocolate begin to meld with the remaining cranberry and hibiscus on your palate. “Not great with the other tea, though.” Dan lets out a little luff of laughter.

“Not two great tastes that taste great together?” he says.

“No, not really. Like, they’re both good, but…they don’t belong together, like…at all.” You pause. “…that’s not metaphorical, by the way, I mean, like, literally. Regarding our respective cups of tea.”

“I know.” You’re not sure he does.

“So…” You ask. “…what brought that on?” Dan shrugs.

“…maybe I just wanted to see if Audrey was right and kissing WAS gross.”

You snort over his answer.

“Really, Dan?” you manage between giggles.

“I don’t know, I mean…you can only play someone’s husband for so many songs and read so many comments about shipping before you…you know, you kinda think about it for a second and…don’t really hate the idea.” Dan stops. “…but not just because of that, if I’m going to be completely honest, I think…I think I’ve maybe had a little bit of a thing for you ever since I found your channel. Like…more of an admiration sense at first, like a talent crush. because your voice is just…”

“…thank you…um…I had no idea.”

You didn’t. You REALLY didn’t. And when it comes to the talent-crush thing…you’re not about to lie and say you didn’t have one on Dan yourself a time back. He has a really nice voice…there’d been more than one day where you’d listened to one of his songs all day. “The Last Unicorn”, “Africa”, “Firefly”…

“It’s not…I’m not, like pining away or lovesick or anything,” Dan says. “It’s a REALLY small thing that…could become a bigger thing…THAT’S not a metaphor by the way.”

…DAN.” You laugh as you catch his meaning. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I know, I just wanted to make it VERY CLEAR that I was not talking about my dick.”

“Oh my god…” You cover your face with her hands. “What even is this night.”

“Did I just royally screw everything up and make the rest of this night and possibly the rest of our friendship incredibly awkward?”

“No, Dan, I just…” You uncover your face and push away from the counter, pacing the kitchen a little bit. “God, I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“I know I kinda sprang that on you and that it’s not mutual, and that’s fine, I swear it is.”

“No, no, I…I didn’t mean it like, kissing you was a mistake, I didn’t mean that, I swear, I just…” You bite your lip, thinking again, about how much to tell him. “I have a soulmate. …like…my soul mark changed red and everything.”

“…oh.” Dan has a deer-in-headlights expression on his face.

“No, no, they don’t know yet,” you say, holding a hand up to prevent further endless apologies. And at his apprehension, you bite the bullet. Figure you have nothing to lose…well…nothing else to lose. “And they’ll never know.”

“…why not?”

You bite your lip again.

“…so I’ve been vague and I’m going to keep being vague. But this next thing I tell you, you have to promise me you will not tell anyone.” Dan nods.

“They’re looking into getting rid of their mark. And…me telling them won’t change that. They said it themselves, that they’d still probably get rid of it even if they did know. So…”

“…but you don’t know that,” Dan says. “Like, yeah, they says that, but…okay, I don’t have a mark of any kind, so I don’t know firsthand what it’s like, but…don’t you, like, fall in love with your soulmate the moment it turns red? Like, that’s how Arin described it when he and Suzy found out, he just…instantly fell for her.”

“Yeah.” You look down. “Yeah, you do.” You take a deep breath. “I’ve known they were my soulmate for weeks…months. They were in a committed relationship with someone else at the time, someone not their soulmate, and I just…couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to them My soulmate AND their partner, their partner REALLY didn’t deserve that. Then they broke up and I still couldn’t, not so soon, not when they were still so…really not over that. And that’s when I found out about the removal thing and…” You look up at Dan. “They’d probably hate me anyway…for knowing for so long and not telling them…” You begin to pace again, muttering more to yourself. “God, why did I tell you all that, I shouldn’t have told you, I promised him, I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone and look what I did…”

Amidst your pacing, Dan walks over, saying your name softly and taking your arms, bringing you to a soft standstill, repeating your name as though to bring you back to a calm.

“I promise I’m not going to tell anyone what you just told me,” Dan says, squeezing your shoulders a little. “…I don’t even know who you’re talking about anyway, so…I couldn’t tell anyone even if I wanted. Which I don’t.” You breathe in and nod.

“Sorry, I just…” You look down again sort of wanting to curl up into the ground and disappear. “I’m not a good person, I’m really not, between not telling about my mark and then telling you all of that, I’m just—”

“You’re human,” Dan interrupts, one hand leaving your shoulder to reach out and brush against your cheek, lifting your head up to look at him. “We all do things we’re not proud of. That’s just…part of being human. And while I really don’t think it’ll turn out bad if you do tell them, I understand why you haven’t. And I’m sure, if your soulmate is a good enough person to hear you out, they’d understand, too.”

You stare at him for a while before nodding. Even though you really don’t believe it. His hands drop to his sides.

“Also…there’s a tiny part of me that really didn’t want to say that…to encourage you to tell your soulmate…and it’s that same tiny part of me that has a thing for you, even though I know now that you have a soulmate,” Dan adds. “Maybe that means I’m a bad person, or maybe that just means I’m human.”

“Oh god…” You walk over to the counter and pick up your mug and drain its contents, as though downing a shot.

“If that was overstepping again, I’m sorry, and I promise to stop,” Dan says. “But…you’ve been completely honest with me all night, and I felt like I should be completely honest with you.”

You appreciate where he’s coming from, but it just makes you feel worse about having been so dishonest to Ryan in hiding this truth from him. And continuing to hide it.

“…also, um…god, it didn’t even occur to me until just now, but…if you’d been waiting for your first kiss to be with your soulmate and I ended up accidentally ruining that—”

“No, Dan, no, that wasn’t…” You hold up and hand, walking over to stop him. “I’ve kissed before. You’re fine.”

“Okay, good,” Dan says with a little sigh. “I know some people are like that about their soulmates, if their soulmates end up being romantic links.”

“No, I’ve…I’ve had a partner in the past. I’ve kissed and been kissed. It’s just…”

“…you were waiting until your soulmate to start kissing again?”

“No—well…maybe a little, but also…” You sigh. “God, my brain is just…”

“I know. I made tonight weird, I’m sorry.”

“No, I was going to say, it’s been a long time since I’ve kissed or been kissed.” You pause. “…also, thinking about it, stubble wasn’t involved, so…” Dan blinks before laughing, reaching up to rub at the scruff on his face.

“Is that a bad thing?” he asks, still laughing.

“No.” You’re laughing, too, by this point. “It’s just…new? Different? …I mean, I kissed your cheek when we did the Spamalot song, but you were clean-shaven then.”

“And you’ve only kissed clean-shaven men?”

“…well, no, I had a girlfriend in college, that wasn’t really a factor then. But…yeah, her, and clean-shaven you, that’s about it, asides from maybe a stage kiss or two that I don’t remember.”

“Ah.” Dan nods. “So…scruff or not scruff. Which is better?”

“…I don’t know, I mean, the person should matter more than the facial hair, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but take that part out for a minute, just…if we’re talking casual kissing.”

It’s a weird conversation in the midst of a weird night. But…you’re finding you’re kind of okay just…going along with it.

What else would prompt you to walk back over towards Dan and reach out and touch his cheek? To run your thumb across his jaw, take in the bristling of his beard against your fingertips? Lean in and press a kiss to his whiskery cheek?

“…okay, that’s kind of fun,” you say, giggling. Dan looks a little like he wants to be offended, but giggles with you instead. “It’s a little tickly.”

“Is it now?”

“Mmm-hmm.” You press another kiss to his cheek, a little lower than before, a little bit closer to his mouth. “I don’t hate it.”

“You don’t?”

You shake your head, staring at him for a while. Thinking. Unknowingly leaning in a little closer. And…maybe it’s the frustration over Ryan, maybe it’s the knowledge of Dan’s (admittedly miniscule) attraction to you, maybe it’s the remembrance to your own little crush on him years back, maybe it’s the weirdness of the night…and maybe it’s just because it’s been so long and you find yourself missing it…

…maybe all of that combined is what prompts you to kiss him again.

Dan, to his credit, doesn’t respond to it at first. As though giving you an out in case you wanted to pull away, maybe realized you were making another mistake. But with a little tilt of your head and pushing into the kiss a bit more, you feel him begin to reciprocate. It’s like…relearning a long-forgotten skill, at first, remembering the feel of another person’s lips against yours, the warmth of it, the softness, now intermingled with the roughness of stubble…a sensation you find yourself not really hating. You hesitantly brush your tongue against the seam of his mouth, bracing yourself for him to break it off, lest HE think you’re making a mistake…and instead, he opens his mouth to you.

And with that, even more than you already have, you just…give into what’s happening, hands reaching up to rest at his neck and shoulders, sighing into his mouth as he pulls you a little closer…

…and it’s not even really because it’s him, it’s just…it’s been SO LONG since you’ve had anything like this, any physical affection like this…been so long since anyone had expressed any sort of interest in you, and finding yourself wanting it back.

You missed this. It’s so nice…SO nice to just feel wanted like this…

Dan breaks for a moment to breathe, moves in at another angle to kiss you again, the two of you slowly backing up towards the wall for some stability…not the fierce passionate crashing kind, but with slower intent.

…and as he does, and as your back softly hits the wall, something pokes into your back, and the kitchen goes dark behind your eyelids.

“Fuck,” you mutter as the kiss breaks. “Light switch.”

In the dark, Dan begins to laugh at the situation, leaning against the wall and you. And honestly? You don’t blame him, because your own laughter bubbles out of your mouth without much hesitation.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry,” Dan manages as you reach behind you to turn the lights back on.

“No, it’s fine,” you assure him.

“Here…” Dan, still holding you, shifts the both of you away from the light switch, your back resting comfortably against the wall now. “Better?”

“Yes?” You’re still giggling a little helplessly. And Dan moving in to kiss your cheek doesn’t really help.

“How ‘bout this?” The kisses to your cheek continue, trailing down towards your neck. And your ticklishness from his scruff overrides most of any pleasure you’d probably get from it otherwise. Or maybe it’s that and the whole light switch thing.

“We, um…maybe…” You begin to say. Dan hums a little “Hmm?” against your jaw. “…you’re making it really hard to concentrate if you’re gonna keep doing that.”

“Okay okay, I’ll stop,” Dan says, pulling away from your neck. “You wanted to say?”

“…I don’t know, um…”

“Maybe the light switch was a sign that we should probably stop,” Dan says.

“Yeah, maybe…” You nod.

“…so…while I greatly enjoyed that,” Dan begins, “and while I want to KEEP doing that, and would not argue to doing that again…” He sighs. “I think we should…maybe not.”

“…yeah…you’re probably right…you’re DEFINITELY right…” You look up at him. “It’s because of my soulmate, right?”

“…I really do think you should tell them…that…I don’t know, you’d regret it if you didn’t.” Dan takes in a breath. “As much as it pains me to say that, now that I know what it’s like to kiss you.” You swallow. “Last time I’ll say anything like that tonight, I promise. It’s…really not fair to you to keep saying things like that.”

“…I mean, it wasn’t really fair of me to kiss you again like that, I just…” You look down, running a hand through your hair. “I just…forgot how good that can be and…I don’t know, I just wanted to be selfish for a moment. And…that’s not fair…to you or my soulmate…and I’m sorry.”

“…I almost don’t want to accept your apology for that kiss.”

You reach out to smack his arm.

“Okay okay, I know I promised I’d stop, but…seriously…your soulmate’s going to be very lucky.” You swallow and feel your face heat up.

“Because I’m that good at kissing?”

“Because you’re you.” You smile at him. “…I mean, yes, also, the kissing thing, but mostly the you thing.”

“…I can’t say ‘same’, but I will say whoever you end up with will likewise be very lucky. That was…really satisfying.”

The silence that follows is less weird than most of the night has ended up being. But it’s still…there’s something in the air you can’t quite identify. But you smile at Dan, Dan smiles back, and…it’s nice.

“…so we should probably actually work out sleeping arrangements for tonight now…” Dan says, turning to pick up his mug and drink from it. “…aaaand that is now cold.”

“Is it still good cold?”

“Not really, no.”

“That’s disappointing.”

***

You end up taking the couch and a few blankets from Dan. He offers to try and find some pajamas, but you’re fine in your clothes.

In the morning, you each have a bowl of cereal before heading back to Dan’s car. It’s not raining today, which is a plus.

The drive to your place is mostly quiet, save for a direction here and there.

“…is this going to have any effect on our friendship?” Dan asks after a longer stretch of silence. You look over at him. “Like…last night. Is that going to ruin anything?”

“…I hope not, I like hanging out with you,” you say. “I like making videos with you. And I want to keep doing both of those things.”

“Same.”

“Then it hasn’t ruined anything.”

“Cool.”

***

When you get home, you catch up on your messages, something you’d neglected while at Dan’s.

Hennessy provides an update on how the concert went (awesome) and asks how the show was (she’s still salty about missing it). A few work-related things—reminders of meetings about an upcoming convention, travel schedules and details for filming the new season of Supernatural. Adam sent a picture of him and Rie on a milkshake date and it’s the cutest thing. Sara sent a short video of Obi freaking out over the storm and Shane trying to calm him.

There’s a message from Ryan.

_Hey. Hope the show last night was fun and that you and Dan both got home okay. That storm was pretty bad._

You do have to give Ryan some credit for at least asking about Dan’s well-being, given how…weird he and Shane were about Dan yesterday afternoon. You message back.

_show was great. we got home fine, worrywart. :P_

You then click over to send a message to Dan.

_completely forgot to show this to you last night/this morning._ You then attach the link to the otamatone cover of “Africa” you’d mentioned on the way to the show.

Later that afternoon, Dan responds with endless laughter, declaring it the best cover of “Africa” that ever was, is, or will be. You also hear back from Ryan.

_Glad you’re safe. Glad you had fun. See you on Monday. :)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah.
> 
> feedback welcome and appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.


End file.
